


Your voice is my favorite

by Deandeanmoose



Series: R+E [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Deaf Character, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2019-11-24 19:36:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18169196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deandeanmoose/pseuds/Deandeanmoose
Summary: Rafael learns a lesson about love.





	1. My name is...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael meets new temp assistant. Has issue with language barrier at first.
> 
>  

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

"Emma, such a sweet name." 

I smiled as the lady offered her hand, directing me to a small table to talk, my file in hand. She looked at it and paused a moment, looking back up quickly as i sighed.

"It won't be a problem will it?" 

"Sorry, this must seem so rude. I didn't know..."

"It's fine. I read lips, sign, and can speak fairly well I'm told." I chuckled as she leaned back.

"Deaf is going to be a new one for Mr. Barba."

She flipped through the file and spoke with her mouth down. It took a moment for her to catch it but she quickly looked up and covered her lips a moment. 

"Sorry, it's a little new to me too." She straightened up, "You are overly qualified for this job. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a long term job? I know many ADAs that are hiring."

"No, i did long term work before with a man that was like a father to me. I spent years with him and i, i honestly don't think i could handle it." I took a deep breath, "Short term work and a less physical job sound like a good start."

"One last question, When can you start?"

"As soon as possible." I felt the weight fall off my chest.

"Good. I have to have my boss sign off on the papers but, if you can come back in around one we can go over the basics today. I leave on medical on Friday so there is only four and a half days to get you trained."

"Thank you." I stood and shook her hand as she gave me a card.

"You will be working for ADA Rafael Barba. He works in the sex crimes bureau and very closely with Manhattan SVU. That is his office number, cell, and my cell. I will be showing you how to set his phone to ring through to your cell for when you are out of office." She chuckled softly, "It only needs to be during work hours and if you have to run errands. I'll show you how to take a proper note so he can read them clearly too."

"Thank you, again."

"I'll see you at one." She showed me out and i took a sharp breath in after getting on the elevator. 

I ran my fingers through my hair, the black hair with light curls feeling much better loose and gelled back from my face.  _ **You are finally getting out of the apartment... It's been two years since you had a job. Two years.**_ I felt my lips curl up and i leaned back against the wall as the numbers ticked down.  _ **You did... You are moving on.**_ As the doors opened, a man stepped on with his face in his phone. He got on the floor above where i needed to go and barely looked up as he spoke.

"Floor eight, please."

I pressed eight as he slipped the phone away and looked straight ahead. He was rather nice looking. A well fitted tan suit with a pink tie and a soft striped shirt, hair styled neatly and a firm posture.  _ **He looks like the kind of guy Bill would've said worked too much.**_ And just like that, my heart stopped. It fell out of rhythm and i closed my eyes, reaching towards my chest as the room got smaller my body restricted.  _ **No. No. No... Two years and i still can't past...**_ The man glanced at me as the panic set in and anxiety took over. 

"Are you...?" 

The door opened and i ran out as everything came rushing back. The screech and lights flashing. Then as quick as i opened my eyes, it was gone. Fresh air in my lungs as the cool April air hit my face.  _ **You're ok. You're ok. You have a job and are finally moving on. Just take a deep breath.**_

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I watched the young man run off the elevator and hid the small twist in my gut at the scene. Something seemed off but god knows he could've been a victim. I settled into my spot against the wall and rode up to my floor in silence, walking to my office quickly.

Barely two steps in and Carmen was by my side with a few papers, "I found you a temporary secretary. Overly qualified. Just need your signature..."

I took the pen she offered and signed the few forms, "Great. Will he or she be ready when you leave?"

"He is being trained started this afternoon." She pulled a folder from under the forms, "Benson sent this over for you. Two messages as well."

I glanced at the sticky notes and nodded, "Thank you, Carmen."

She turned and went back to her desk, I sat down and looked over what Liv had found so far. Why it was very minimal, it was good to see she had everything under control again.  _ **One more IAB investigation into Nick and i will never put him on the stands again.**_ I was settled into the work i never noticed the time or anything outside my office. So a quick click to call Carmen and i was surprised two walked in.

"Mr. Barba, this is your temp. Emmanual James." Carmen introduced him as i looked him over.

_**Khakis and a button-up blue shirt, Dark blue sweater with the black tie tucked in, Medium-length brown hair gelled back lightly, very clean cut styled beard. Soft round face, hazel eyes, five eleven height... It's the guy that ran off the elevator.** _

"Emmanuel James was it?" I looked down to set the pen down as the man looked at me like i never spoke, "Correct?"

He opened his mouth but stopped as Carmen cut in, "Emmanuel is deaf..."

"So he can't hear me?" I glanced to her confused as to why she thought he would be good for this spot.

"I can't hear you but i do read lips. I also sign and have very clean handwriting."

"You can call him, he has it transferred to words on his phone. You just can't speak to him if he can't see your lips." She smiled softly at my reddening cheeks.

 _ **And you don't mention this before? Or was i not listening before? I was distracted a little.**_ I glanced at the clock and noticed it was well into the afternoon.

"That can't be the time."

"It is sir." 

I rubbed my stomach softly up by my chest, "Ok, it is nice to meet you but i am late. I have to meet SVU in ten minutes and i am definitely hitting traffic." 

I pulled my briefcase and continued to speak as i packed it, glancing up as Carmen shook her head.  _ **I am definitely going to need to work on that.**_ I turned to Emmanuel, extending a hand.

"Nice to meet you, I'm sure we'll work together well." The handshake started quickly like it ended, "Sorry to run but that Sargent is very demanding." 

I smirked as if Liv could hear my tease and took off. Carmen was leading the man out back to the desk and i wanted to talk more. I really wanted to know more about this man... But work came first. 

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

Carmen ran over the system she used. The right way to file, how to write a note and how to find everything i could need. She put my phone on the forwarding list and ran through how to turn it on. She watched as i installed the reader program so when the phone rang in the office it would alert me on the computer and i could read the call. Everything was going good, no issues and no worries so far.

"Ok, it's my usual leave time. Mr. Barba often asks you to stay over but he would've done so at least a half-hour before." She grabbed her coat and bag, "He will have you leave early sometimes too but you get paid for the full shift unless it's before noon."

"Ok, that sounds awesome."

"Go home and get some sleep. We need to be in at seven a.m. and i will text you the address of his preferred coffee shop." She waited as i slipped my coat on, "He comes in a half hour later usually and i always have a coffee waiting for him. He's questionable when he hasn't had his coffee yet."

I nod as she walked me out, all the last details given and she got in a cab. I turned and started down the way to my flat when i felt a hand on my shoulder. Of course, i jumped, a normal reflex and when you can't call my name it happens too often for this response. I seen Mr. Barba standing there and almost stuttering.

"Sorry, i called out for you but you didn't hear and..."

"It's fine." I chuckled, "I'm still working on that reflex. What can i do for you?"

"Earlier, before we met officially, you were on the elevator with me." He wanted to look down but quickly jerked his head up struggling to fight the urge to look away so i could read his lips, "You ran off the elevator looking distressed. I just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"Yeah, I'm fine." I sighed, "Just stress."

My arm jerked a little and i rubbed my elbow.

"You know i can tell when you lie. It's half my job really." He raised his brow.

"I am fine, it's just a long story. One i am not willing to tell till i know how." 

He nodded, clearly thinking it over but looking up with a small smile, "I'm here to talk whenever you need me. See you tomorrow Emmanuel."

"Oh, Mr. Barba!" I caught him as he turned away, "Thank you."

I watched him go back in the building, no doubt to his office if he is as big of a workaholic as he seemed. Once the door shut, feeling like he was safe inside, i started to walk again.  _ **I think I'm going to like this job.**_


	2. Working for the Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emmanuel and Rafael both have tough first days together.

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

As Carmen said, she texted an address and i met her there. We got two coffees and went to the office to start working a little. Right at the halfway mark in this hour, Mr. Barba walked in. He greeted us and took the coffee as well as the notes i wrote up. 

"Ok, you seem to have a good grasp on everything... Are you comfortable being left alone for an hour or so?"

"Sure, I can handle a few hours."

"Great, I'll be back soon."

She stood and walked to talk to Mr. Barba before leaving. I assume it would be a doctor appointment as she was pregnant and about to go on maternity leave. I went over a few emails that went to Carmen and not Mr. Barba, a little odd but not bad. She said it was easier so he didn't get a dozen messages during court. That's when the red light on the phone flashed and I saw a message come up on the computer saying the connected phone was paged. It took me a moment to get it, Mr. Barba was paging me in. I walked to the door and knocked, waiting a moment before opening it as he chuckled.

"Did you just knock?"

"I might be deaf but I do have manners." 

He smirked back, "Fair enough. Carmen just called me directly, she is on bed rest. Starting now you are officially my temp and have completed what training was given."

"Oh." I blinked as he raised his brow.

"Yes?"

"Nothing. I just prefer at least a day of training." I shrugged, "She covered almost everything though."

"If you have any questions, you can ask me. I'll help where I can." He smiled back, "I have court in twenty and a file to go over yet so..." 

I blanked out as he looked down. Then his head snapped up and he nodded a moment. 

"Sorry, I am really working on that." He sighed heavy I could see from the way his whole chest shifted and deflated, "You may go. Thank you for handling this so well."

I turned and went back to my desk, figuring work would come my way now since Carmen was kind enough to have everything done ahead of time. After a few minutes, He rushed off and I saw a few new emails and a text from him asking me to take notes on the file on his desk if I had free time. I walked in and found the file, settling in at my desk and going over it thoroughly. I highlighted major parts in green, detail in yellow, and points of notice in blue. A few sticky notes laid out on pages with my personal notes with the rest of the spare time I had. I was so engrossed in the work I didn't even notice that anyone had joined me in the office. It wasn't until a hand tapped the desk in front of my note that I felt a familiar whiplash feeling as my head shot up. 

"I'm sorry, how may I help you?"

I look at two blondes. One male, tall, and in a nice suit. The other was short, female, wearing a nice blouse but not as dressy. The man sighed and nodded.

"We are looking for Barba."

"I'm sorry he's o..."

"Obviously just walking in." He glared at the man, "Do I need to really warn you to be nice to my temporary assistant, detective Carisi?"

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

Court was dragging out but I did manage to escape fairly quickly around lunch. I was planning on stopping in and inviting Emmanuel out to eat so I could get to know him better, there was something about him I found intriguing and I had to learn more about him. Sadly, I walk into my office area and see Carisi and Rollins and a very perplexed Emmanuel looking at them.

"I'm sorry he's o..."

I cut in, "Obviously just walking in." I glared at Carisi knowing he had a small perturbed look, "Do I need to really warn you to be nice to my temporary assistant, detective Carisi?"

I waved them to follow me before turning to Emmanuel so he could see my lips clearly, "Hold my calls and thank you for the notes."

He nodded and handed me the file. I walked them into my office and sat the file on my desk before looking at them.  _ **They didn't know better, I should've warned SVU my temp was deaf. Though it was funny to see Carisi's angry side creeping out. We had a similar reaction and I bet when I tell him he will mimic my embarrassment.**_

"Did you bring me an actual case or just came to annoy me more?" I sat on the edge of my desk.

"The double rape homicide Lieu told you about." Carisi handed me another file, "Where's Carmen?"

"Maternity leave."

"She had her baby?" Rollins glanced over.

"No, bed rest. She trained Emmanuel yesterday and this morning." I sighed, "Which by the way, be nice. I don't have the time or patience to train a temp to replace him."

"It's not my fault he didn't hear us walk in or ask him twice before he acknowledged us." The detective shrugged and took a seat.

 _ **No, it is. A little mine for not warning you but then again, I can't be the only one that feels like an ass first meeting him.**_ I watched them talk a little of the case and then I pointed to the door.

"Thank you, detectives, tell Liv I'll stop by later."

They left and I didn't see them say anything to Emmanuel. He looked like a kicked puppy, so I popped my head out and tossed a post-it ball at his head. He looked over with a raised brow and threw it away.

"Can i help you, sir?"

"I wanted to make sure you were ok." I stepped out and walked to his desk.

"I'm fine, just a minor mistake." He shrugged, "It only helps to have the computer or my phone warn me when i can see it."

"SVU can be a little rough at first. They just need to warm up to you."

"Mr. Barba?" He glanced down then back up, "You didn't tell them i was deaf."

"Of course not, what business is it of mine?" 

He smiled at my words before I ducked back into my office. I looked at his notes first, surprised at how detailed it truly was.  _ **If he can write my notes for the rest of my life, that would be great. I could cut out so much horrible case reading.**_ I smirked and took the new file Carisi gave me and dropped it off to Emmanuel to do more notes. I went back to work on setting up questions and waited till my phone buzzed. 

"Yes?"

"We picked up the suspect." Liv started, "Would you like to watch the interrogation?" 

"Yeah, I'll be right down." I stood and pulled my briefcase.

"By the way, Carisi said you had a new assistant."

"Temp. Carmen is put on maternity leave."

"He didn't seem to like him much." She added.

"Yeah, it's complicated." I sighed, "I'll explain when I get over there."

I hung up and slowly moved for the door, waving to him on the way out. He looked up and smiled so I filled him in real quick and walked out, ready for the worse. Sadly, worse didn't cover it. As with most cases that find their way through here, you couldn't describe how horrible it was. Liv, however, could give details.

"This is the third man beaten, raped, and murdered in Chelsea. All openly gay men. All last seen in gay bars."

"Guy they picked up?" I asked.

"One single, the other two are spoken for. Dating over three years and married last year." She sat down beside me, "The one was with his husband. He wouldn't be walking off with another man."

"Drugged?"

"Nothing on the tox screen but they were missing three days before bodies were found."

"Why are you just bringing this to me?" 

"We didn't have anything before, still don't really, but I could use a few warrants. Besides, maybe an extra set of eyes could help."

She offered me a drink as I sighed, "Yeah, gay eyes."

"I thought you said bisexual?" She teased, "and honestly, I didn't see holding out anymore. Maybe a little fishing with warrants can dig up more."

"Or your best friend and Bisexual ADA can give you foresight? Solo dilo, se la verdad (Just say it, I know the truth)." I looked over the file, "But while I am here, the Martin case."

"What about it?" She glanced to me from over her glasses.

"Did we find mr. Charming?" 

"Police picked him up a few minutes before you got here. He should arrive at any moment if you want to watch the Interview."

"I'll be pushing it to make it to court but, I can have Emmanuel drop off the court file for me." I pulled my phone and started texting quickly.

> **_R:_ ** _Could you deliver my files for the Johnson case to SVU? I left them on the desk and won't have time to get them on the way to court._

"Emmanuel? That must be your assistant." Liv was staring at a file but listening for me.

"Yes. Para su primer día, no para mal. (For his first day, not to bad)." I kept thumbing through the pages.

"Sonny said he wasn't a good listener. Ignored him really."

I chuckled and looked up, "Well, he didn't hear them. He doesn't have anyone."

"Wait, he's Deaf?"

"Yup." I smirked, "I just haven't told anyone. He works amazingly well so far and his notes are much better then I could've asked for."

"Deaf?" 

"Yeah." I shrugged, "He'll be here soon with my file."

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

I was just about to step off the elevator, heart beating rapidly and my stomach in my throat. I wasn't looking forward to seeing the detectives from earlier though, starting off on the wrong foot with everyone except Mr. Barba. The doors opened and I stepped off to a busy room. A few steps down the hall and I walk into the bullpen, stopping by the first desk.

"Excuse me?" The officer looked up, "I'm looking for ADA Barba?"

"Lieutenant Benson office..." The man stopped and looked over, my eyes following over to see the tall blonde...  _ **Carisi was it?**_

"Barba is in the office with Lieu." Carisi motioned to the door, so I turned that way and stopped when he put his hand on my shoulder.

I turned my head and caught my feet, gripping the note riddled file for Mr. Barba, "Sorry?"

"I just wanted to say sorry about earlier. I was having a bad morning. No hard feelings for the attitude?" He offered his hand for a shake.

"Sure. I understand." I shook his hand and kept walking, clearly missing the other two talking.

The only reason I know they were was when I knocked and turned slightly before opening the door I recognized the look. That stupid 'I was talking to you' look that I get often from random people. I pushed by to avoid the awkward silence.  _ **I will be explaining this soon, I hate when people think im rude.**_ I stepped in the office and shut the door to escape the eyes as two new sets find me. Mr. Barba and a nice looking lady behind a desk.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt?"

"No your fine Emmanuel." He chuckled, "I would've stopped you if we needed a moment." 

"Ok."

"Hi, I'm lieutenant Benson but please call me Liv." The brunette offered her hand and I accepted.

"Emmanuel James." I offered, "I have heard a lot about you."

"Good I hope." She chuckled.

"Very much so." I felt a lot more at ease in here as Mr. Barba took the file and glanced out the window to the bull pin.

"Carisi being nice?"

"He apologized but I might have messed it back up because I walked away thinking it was done." I fidgeted, "Sorry, I always mess up first impressions a lot since people can't see I'm... Impaired."

"Well, you could tell them?" He chuckled, "It's not my place to do so."

"Maybe next time." I rubbed my neck, "Anything else Mr. Barba?"

"No. You can head back if you would like." He smiled, "I'll be back after court."

I practically ran out and right down the hall, only a little panicked about this new step. Ever since I lost my hearing, people can't see it so they rely on me to say it... But how do you say it? You can't be the guy that tells everyone every five seconds. Before my eyes had a chance to focus on my walk, I was there at the office building again.  _ **You have to tell them eventually if you plan on being here the whole time.**_ My hand stuttered at the door but I pushed on.  _ **Eventually being okay.**_

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

By the time court was out and Liv let me go from SVU, it was almost eight. I let Emmanuel off a few hours ago and just figured a drink or two with a small meal would be best. Stopping by the office, I was dropping off a few things for Emmanuel to do in the morning and was surprised to see him still there.

"I thought I told you to go home."

He smirked, "I had a few files to finish filing."

"Well then, " I started to my office but stopped, "Maybe I could take you out for a meal and a drink. Celebración para tu primer día. (Celebratory for your first day.)"

My mouth stopped as I realized I wasn't facing him. Kicking myself internally, I turned to face him and found it hard to repeat.  _ **In all my confidence, I can't ask him out for a drink for business reasons... Maybe.**_

"Maybe I could... uhm... I could take you out for a meal... Or...and a drink. You know, Celebratory for your first day." 

"Uh... Mr. Barba, I could go for a drink and some talk." He bit back something, I could tell, "You did say if I ever wanted to talk."

"Déjame agarrar mi maletín y nos podemos ir (Let me grab my briefcase and we can go)." I offered my hand and smiled as he took it.

_**He needs to talk... Maybe this can help.** _


	3. Midnight in Manhattan

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

I smiled, sitting at the bar in a back booth. Though it wasn't smart, I was drinking with my boss and talking. Mr. Barba, he was sipping his scotch and staring at me intently. His jacket and vest discarded beside him as he rolled up his sleeves.

"Mr. Barba..."

"Rafael please." He stopped me, "We're not at work."

"Sorry, Rafael..." I paused, "I don't usually drink with my bosses."

"So Emmanuel, tell me about yourself." He chuckled softly at my small jump.

"Like what?"

"Anything. Family, work... Anything." 

"I am the middle of three kids. Two girls and me." I blushed, "My older sister died a couple years back during childbirth. My parents take care of my nephew and niece. My younger sister is a senior in high school." 

"Sorry to hear about your older sister."

"It was a few years back and honestly, we lost her long before that." He looked a little confused but waited, "She had drug issues since middle school. Disappeared on the streets when she was still a teen."

"I'm sorry." He sat back and looked at his drink, "Family is tough."

"Family is family." I took a sip, "What about you?"

"Alcoholic father that always raised a hand to my mother and me. I fought back once when I was young and my mom practically moved me into my abuela." He made sure my eyes could see his lips, "His liver finally gave out. Best gift he ever gave me." 

"I... I'm sorry."

"I don't ta..." He looked down and rubbed his face.

It took a moment for his eyes to dart back up and we both knew the next words from his mouth...  ** _I'm sorry._**

"Fuck." He grumbled, "I really need to work on that." 

We both laughed as the new round was sat down on the table. He took a hefty swig, sitting the glass down and letting the burn roll down his throat. I leaned in and stroked my hair back out of my face.

"Don't worry about it, no one ever gets it."

"Doesn't mean I should stop trying." 

I blushed a little before he pulled me back from my mind. His lips curled up as he spoke about a dozen things or more. My words mixing with his as we spent hours drinking and talking. 

"Emmanuel..."

"Please, find a nickname. Being called by my full name makes me feel like I've done wrong."

"What nickname would that be?"

"Friends call me Emma." 

"Emma? Un poco femenina no te parece?(A little girly don't you think?)"

I chuckled, "Fair, but I don't get anxious like with my full name."

"What about Em? Something less girly." 

"If it bothers you so much, keep using my name. I'll get use to it." 

"Not if it bothers you." He leaned in and covered my hand, "No te incomodaré. (I won't make you uncomfortable.)"

For a moment, all felt right. I could never worry about anything when Rafael held my hand.  _ **Can we just stay like this? Nothing but us in this moment? **_

"Emmanuel, you ok?"

"Very." I twisted my hand to hold his.

"I thought you needed to talk." He didn't let go of my hand.

"We are talking, aren't we?" 

He smiled but nodded, "was there anything in particular?"

"Honestly, I want to get to know you."

I wasn't a good drinker, one or two glasses was more than enough to get me tipsy. But for some reason that night, I was more fascinated with learning about this man than paying attention to how much I drank. 

"Tit for tat." He smirked curling up those gorgeous Cuban lips, "ask what you want and I get to do it in return. Back and forth."

"Deal." I closed my eyes, "I know you mentioned Harvard law school but how did you get there?"

"Determination. After my childhood and knowing I could never afford college let alone helping people, I pushed myself till I won a scholarship." He took a sip, "Why are you temping when you are more qualified as an assistant or more?"

"My old boss, he was like a second father to me. My parents had a lot of trouble with my sisters and he was a close friend with a major business in the city." I shrugged softly letting my hand breakaway, "he raised me from Sixteen till about a year ago."

"What happened?"

"He died. I was driving him in my new car up to visit my parents when we crashed. A driver swerved us off the road, I lost my hearing and he lost his life."

I pulled back and looked down, I didn't want to see him say sorry. Everyone said sorry. Everyone told me how brave I was to continue on without my hearing and adapt... I didn't want it from him. Not him.

His hand covered mine and drew my eyes up to him, "I'm sorry this happened to you."

"Everyone is always sorry." I rubbed my neck, "That's why it took me a year to get back out there. I shut down my life and hid in my apartment mourning until I finally force myself to get out. To get past my self-pity... The guilt."

"I never meant to..."

"Don't worry about it. I have to get use to talking about it eventually."

After hours it felt like, I seen him shift. Not so much physically as emotionally. He shut down the conversation as i fell sideways in the booth.

"Let's get you home, I think you had enough." He chuckled softly as he helped me up and lead me out to a town car. 

I had no idea what was going on, I had one to many for sure. I felt that borderline tipsy, my judgment impaired and all I wanted was to stay close to Rafael. He got me to slip in and smiled as the driver handed back two coffees, something i never saw from a driver before.

"Sip this. You are a little drunk." He handed me the coffee and starts talking to the driver.

 _ **How often does he have the same driver? Does he pay extra so they get him coffee? How much coffee does he really need? Does he like Cuban coffee cause he is Cuban? Wait... I am tipsy if i just thought that.**_ I sipped the coffee and slowly mellowed out and cleared my head as he chatted. They seem to know each other, chatting fairly easy about his wife and kids before pulling up to a nice building. 

"Thank you. Tell the wife i said hi." Raf stepped out and helped me, "You feeling better?"

"I feel like im standing... And i really gotta go." I shifted as he chuckled and opened the door. 

The doorman waved us by and in a few minutes, he leads me into his home and pointed out the bathroom. I rush over and after a few good minutes, feel a lot less buzzed. My head clearing up and i realize i was at my bosses house because i was drunk.  _ **Why? Why did you do this?**_

"Emmanuel? You ok in there?"

"Fine, " i washed my hands and walked out, "I'm sorry. I don't... I'm not a great drinker and..."

"It's ok. I just didn't want to leave you home alone drunk." He nods to the coffee, "I have a guest room and you can finish the coffee."

"Thank you." I sighed and took a hefty gulp.

"Mi casa es tu casa. (My house is your house.)" He nods before kicking his shoes off and sitting them on a shoe rack in the closet.

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I kicked off the shoes and tossed my jacket and vest on the hanger for the cleaners. Tie loosened and hanging so i could undo a button or two on the shirt.

"Feel free to get comfortable, guest room is upstairs first room."

While my place was nice it was actually fairly modest. A small open floor plan of kitchen and living room with a bathroom and closet behind the only doors in my home. Up the steel, spiral steps was the office with the steel banister to see below to my main rooms. The office lead into the Guest bedroom on the left and the master on the right with a Bathroom suit and massive closet. I had sliding doors upstairs which did nothing for privacy really, half the time they were left open.  _ **Never having guest over leaves privacy to be useless. The home is so open already.**_ The big scene was the massive two-story glass window wall on the far side by my bedroom side. The glass was tinted and i did have a blind system i could use to block it, but why hide such a beautiful view. Nothing to see inside my place either.

"If you want some food, help yourself. It won't hurt."

"Thank you." I watched Emmanuel look at the kitchen, "But I'm not really hungry."

I motioned to the steps, "Beds upstairs or i can get blankets for the couch. Depends on if you can handle the steps."

He glanced at me and shook his head, "I can do steps. I'm not that bad."

"That's what they all say." I smirked and checked my phone, "but we should get some sleep. I have some work to do tomorrow and you'll have a few things to file."

"I wish you told me before the drinks."

"I just got the text." I lifted the phone a moment, "SVU has new evidence and an arrest."

He nodded and sat the coffee down, walking to the steps. He didn't seem drunk, barely buzzed really, but you can see the small impairment from his usual demeanor... I guess watching him from my office really did teach me a lot. 

"The left." I called and then looked down. 

 ** _He can't hear you._** I looked back up and just followed him upstairs.  ** _Have a brain. Remember the basics._** As he got to the top, i turned his shoulder to the left slightly but he just turned to face me by my bedroom door.

"I really am sorry to inconvenience you."

"It isn't an inconvenience." I patted his shoulder, "Honestly."

He smiled and i felt a tingle run through my whole body. Heart pounding rapidly, sweating palms being rubbed by my fingers as if that would help dry them, stomach twisting as my body yearned to be closer.  _ **I shouldn't...**_ Before my thoughts connected with my body, i kissed him. Lips to lips, hand on his arm as he froze in his spot.  _ **No, no, no... He isn...**_ Before i could panic on the thought, his mouth shifted and opened up to my kiss. It took several moments for me to really pull away as he kept leaning in and holding my shoulders.  _ **What are you doing?! He's been your assistant for a day and you are trying to take him to bed?**_

"Rafael..."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." I swallowed the lump trying to block my throat from speaking this truth.

"I'm glad you did." He whispered and looked at the floor, "I've been trying for the last several hours to do the same."

"Emmanuel." I stopped and rubbed one barefoot against my other leg softly.

_**Don't ruin this. Is it so wrong to want a man? Younger or not i haven't wanted a person like this since i was a teen.** _

"Maybe i should go home... You obviously think this was wrong." He turned away and i pulled him back over and lifted his face.

"Don't ever think that. This wasn't wrong... Entirely." I gave a shaky breath, "I kissed you. I meant it. I wanted it... I want you."

This young man seemed so stunned but, the moment broke as he kissed me again and i backed us into my room. My assistant or not i couldn't let this go. The chance was now and it felt so right i couldn't believe it could be wrong. My hands guiding him back by his hips as his arms worked on each button of my shirt.

 "Emmanuel, do you wa..."

His lips smashed into mine and silenced my thoughts as suddenly my shirt was off and he was on the bed below me. His drunken hands pulling his shirt free as i slowly helped with the rest. My eyes glued to his hips as his boxers slid off and manhood sprung free. Nude beneath where i stood was my assistant, reaching up to start unzipping my pants.

"I want this." His words foreign to my ears, a younger man clinging to me... wanting me.

 As the pressure was released and pants dropped down, i pulled him up so he wouldn't spoil this fun.  _ **I'm not as young as i use to be, he can save that for next time.**_

"I..."

"I won't last if you do." I cupped his cheek, "I promise next time."

He nodded and pulled me to him for another kiss, my legs falling on the outside of his. Straddling him carefully as he locked eyes with me. My breath hitched, the view of my temp nude under me was beautiful. My hand wrapped around both or our stiff friends moving slowly as he moaned.  _ **This is wrong, one day in my office and I cross that line.**_ His blue eyes staring back at me, lips parted and his long locks stuck to his face.

"Rafi..." 

 _ **Rafi? Already with a nickname.**_ I moved faster, tightening my grip as his hand squeezed my shoulder. My grip was lost as he said it again.

"Rafi, please."

"What do you need?" I seen his eyes closed and caressed his cheek to get him to look at me, "What do you need?"

"More." His hips jumped at my weight as I leaned down.

"More what?" 

"You." He reached between us, "Please."

I closed my eyes and dropped my head to his shoulder,  _ **It's been a while for this.**_ I managed to lift my head and get him to look at me clearly, as much as I needed to know I kinda hoped it wouldn't be.

"Have you ever...?"

"No. Not there." He closed his eyes, "I haven't done much more than a handy really."

 ** _First time? He deserves better than this mess._** I pushed up and looked at the boy below me, he looked so young and I had to do this right.  _ **Make him comfortable, lead him through it.**_ After his eyes finally opened, I kissed his lips gently.

"It's easier bent over. This way might be a little tighter for the first time." I could see his hesitancy, "I can hear you, you say stop and I will."

"If you..."

"Shhhh..." I kissed his cheek and turned his face to see me, "Just relax. Don't tense up and tell me what you need. No matter what."

He nodded and slowly rolled over as I sat up. His backside was almost better than the sight of him springing out of his boxers. I reached for the bedside table, the little tube of lube being retrieved as he tried to relax.  _ **Easy... Ease him in on this. Easy going.**_ I put a little on my hand and started with one finger, pushing gently in as he pushed back and moaned. 

"Ohhh!"

I rubbed his back, the other hand rolling my finger around as he squirmed. Carefully I added the second one and earned more noise. 

"Ohhh! Oh god."

I kissed his lower back, hoping he would say if it was too much. I felt some give and pressed a third in to repeat the process, earning more moans. A small reach up and I turned his face to see mine, careful to keep him at ease.

"You feel so good..." His eyes closed and I stopped waiting for them to open again.

It took a moment but he looked up, "Emma, you have to keep your eyes open. I have to talk to you."

"Sorry I..."

"It's ok, I just don't want to hurt you." I pulled my fingers out as he whimpered, "Relax. Don't tense up."

He nodded and I pulled back, my hand running over me once as I rolled the condom on. He lifted his rear, making me groan at the sight. I lined up and pushed against him, hearing the pain in the whimper. I froze and two hands reached back trying to grasp my thighs and ass.

"Don't stop, I'm fine."

I applied pressure but didn't push in, watching him squirm against me and then my head was engulfed. I let out all my air, felling this tight of a squeeze was something I thought I lost forever ago. He squirmed back and I struggled to stay still so he didn't get too much at a time.

"Ohhhh... Oh god. Rafi... Shit."

He squeezed a little and I froze as my senses were lost. I wanted to shove in and let loose, I could feel this primal growl on the edge of my throat and I couldn't let it out. I couldn't let him get hurt because I got carried away. 

"Don't stop, please don't stop."

"I don't want to hurt you." I groaned and realized he was hiding his face again.

 My hand grabbed his face, turning it again a little rougher to his surprise and my fear. I loosened it and rubbed the spot my hand reddened.

"If I push, I can't control it. I won't hurt you." 

His eyes had a spark, a twinkle at the thought of me losing control I could tell. His lips curled up and he pushed as far back as he could, rutting against my base as I closed my eyes.

"Rafi, I want to see you lose control."

It took a moment for my throat to loosen up so I could speak, "You aren't use..."

"You're too clean, sex is suppose to be messy. Let me see you become a mess."

I looked at him, the way he smiled told me I had to. A perfect first time never happens, he wants it to be like this. My mind went blank as my hips shoved him down, smashing him to the bed and seeing his smile and groan escape as he saw my eyes blown out. I pulled back and pushed in a little harder and kept repeating. His hips raising to meet mine each time.  ** _How is he so perfect? Physically and mentally._**

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

I felt so full, stuffed more than I could ever dream. Raf was way bigger than anyone I ever blew or rubbed, but damn did he feel right in me. One shove up the bed and i pushed back to keep him connected. My erection dragging on the bed, wanting attention badly. 

"Uuuummmph." 

The noise escaped me, i felt it on my tongue like nothing i ever leg out before.  _ **Is this what it's always like? Without the buzz even? Or is it because of hi...**_

"Emma, I'm so close."

The way his mouth moved, the gritting of his teeth as he leaned in with sweat on his forehead.  _ **I really wish he would've let me... I can only imagine what he tastes like.**_ His fingers dug into my hips and i felt the twitch inside as he reached around me. His grip strong with his left and his right was wrapped around my burning erection. A fee small strokes as i groaned and tried to curl up.

"Emma." He kissed my shoulder and kept his eyes and mouth in my sight, "Would you prefer my mouth?"

 _**Would you prefer my mouth? I didn't know how beautiful that could actually sound.**_ A nod is the best i could give, but the thought ruined it as string after string hit the comforter. The pressure relieved and my head went light.

"Emma?" He stroked my cheek as his hand swiped up the mess, "I'll start with that next time."

"N-n-nex-t ti-me?"

He chuckled with a sleepy haze the best i could see as my eyes got heavier. I felt so empty as he pulled out, eyes squeezing shut and flickering to see him again.

"If you wa..." Darkness engulfing me slowly as i fought it, "...nt the..." 

His hand lifted my face up slightly, "if you want there to be another."

I could feel the grin on my face then nothing.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

After he closed his eyes for the hundredth time trying to stay awake, i got a smile and a half yes starting on his lips. He was out could after only seconds, so i rubbed his cheek and kissed his head before rolling him over to look at our mess. 

"I really need to clean this up." 

My hands pushed me up and i retrieved a washcloth to clean both of us off as i tossed the tied off condom in the trash. I looked at the spoiled sheets and felt the cold chill telling me i would want the comforter, so i lifted Emma and carried him to the guest bed to snuggle up with.  _ **What have you done?**_ Eyes closing and a soft breath blowing across my chest. I couldn't be happier right now.


	4. Morning

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

The littlest crack of light found my face, stirring me from my sleep. As my eyes flickered open, I realize it wasn't the sun. The attached bathroom was cracked open and steam was pouring out around the wood door. The light from the overly bright bathroom hit the bed at just the right angle to wake me.

 _ **Who is that? Who would be in...**_ Last night events hit me hard, everything from the drinks to what came after. Then the self loathing and hatred slipped in to remind me even more so.  _ **I slept with my boss.**_ I sat up and looked around the room, something I hadn't been able to last night. It wasn't big or lavish, rather normal actually. No picture perfect shot from a magazine or clothes thrown around and a closet bigger than my apartment. The bed was huge but from what I remember from last night, most his home seemed barely used except his bed. Then I had a feeling someone was there, a small shadow found my feet. My head turned back to the doorway with light pouring around the older man. A towel around his waist and his hip cocked to the side... I was speechless.

"Emma? I didn't think you would be up so early. Did I wake you? Sorry, I'm not used to company in my home." He waved it off with pink cheeks.

"It's fine, the light wasn't to bad."

"The ligh..." He went redder before nodding, "Yeah, the light." 

I was about to say something when he turned away and walked into a small attached room and slid the door shut.  _ **That must be the**_ **closet.** I paused, for a moment I wanted to speak but doubted he would...  _ **He can hear you. The door isn't tight and he does have hearing unlike you.**_ I swallowed the lump in my throat before finding words.

"Hey Raf, I don't know what to say."

* * *

_**Rafael**_

* * *

_"You are the one for me._   _I am the man for you._ _You were made for me._   _You're my ecstasy._ _If I was given every opportunity._ _I'd kill for your love._ _So take a chance with me._   _Let me romance with you._ _I'm caught in a dream._ _And my dream's come true._ _So hard to believe._   _This is happening to me..."_  

I let the water run over me as I closed my eyes.  _ **Could I feel any better right now? This wasn't a one night stand from the bar I'm ashamed to see in the morning...**_

_"An amazing feeling._   _Comin' through..._ _I was born to love you._ _With every single beat of my heart._   _Yes, I was born to take care of you, honey._ _Every single day of my life."_

My hand turned the water off as I took a deep breath, a sigh of relief in the clean crisp air. My eyes opened as I wrap a towel around me and hear the bed shifting in my room.  _ **Emmanuel is up? He should have a half hour at least yet on the alarm.**_ With my sleepy brain half working, I stop in the doorway and a thought occurred.  _ **Did your singing wake him up? You can be fairly loud at times.**_ Panic sat in a moment but dropped as his face found me... Towel covering everything from last night.

"Emma? I didn't think you would be up so early. Did I wake you?" My voice cracked as I blushed so softly, "Sorry, I'm not used to company in my home." He waved it off with pink cheeks.

"It's fine, the light wasn't to bad."

"The ligh..." My face went red and I felt all air rush around me.

_**He's deaf you asshole.**_ I felt the burn deepen and spread from my cheeks down my throat, I nodded hoping to hide it, "Yeah, the light." 

I watched a moment as silence sat in, so I turned and moved quickly to the closet. Maybe having on clothes could fix some of this mess. It was quiet but then again, how would you approach the subject of forgetting someone was deaf and can't hear you singing Queen loud in your shower...

"Hey Raf, I don't know what to say."

I turned around and looked at the door, barely dressed. I had pants on, more coverage than the towel at least. I opened the door to see him pulling on his pants and shirt, moving quickly to leave it looks. Every inch of me screaming to stop him, so it slipped out.

"Emma..."

A sigh escaped as he wasn't looking at me.  _ **You have to stop that.**_ I moved quickly to catch his shoulder so he would look at me.

"Emma, everything ok?"

"No." He sighed, "I just slept with my boss. I was almost drunk..."

"If I tell you that I don't regret it, will that help?"

He almost looked shocked, so I pushed further. I leaned into a kiss, stealing his lips and letting my fingers tangle in his hair.  ** _Don't regret it, don't regret it, don't regret it..._** My lips quivered a moment, then I could feel him push in. His mouth opening and welcoming the kiss. When our lips parted, my eyes stayed shut. He might have returned the kiss but I couldn't bear to look at him, to chance to see his refusal. I was getting desperate. 

"Rafael." A hand caressed my cheek and another kiss found my lips, this time with much more passion.

My eyes opened only after he pulled away, "Emma..."

"I don't regret it, that's why I'm scared."

I wanted to push him back on the bed, to repeat last night and find a new happy ending to it. To never leave this bed... But my alarm broke the moment and we both looking to the ringing fiend before I turned it off. 

"I should get my jacket."

As he was walking out to grab it, I saw a stain on his shirt.  _ **How did that happen? We really were messy.**_

"Emma, why don't you borrow from me." I hid my small chuckle as he turned around.

"Not to be rude but, I think they fit you much better than they will fit me." 

"But they will smell better and not be..." I nodded to the spot as he felt the stickiness.

"Ok. Yes, and thank you."

I nodded to the bathroom, "I'll lay a suit out for you. Clean up if you would like."

"Thank you."

He went into the bathroom, so I found my tightest suit I hardly wear and laid it on the bed. After fixing my tie and pocket square, I did a check of my hair in the downstairs bathroom before finding two travel cups and a quick portable breakfast. It didn't take long before Emma came out in my suit and I was even more attracted to him in my clothes.

"Sorry to be such a has..."

"You aren't a hassle." I winked and handed him the coffee and food, "But we do have work to do."

"Then we should go."

 He walked with me, side by side the whole way. It was a great feeling, one much like I was just walking with Liv talking to her. Easy going, stress less... It felt perfect. This simple friendly moment where I forget work because I'm happy with the company I have.  ** _I wish I could have this every day I go into work, this feeling of peace._** My phone went off the moment we got in the car, a groan escaping as Emma chuckled.

"Yes, Liv?"

"Should I meet you at your office or mine?"

"Yours. I need evidence before we move on this." 

"Ok, the squad is waiting for you."

When the line went dead, I looked over and sighed before giving the new stop for me, "I need to go to SVU, can you head over to the office and pull a few files for me and run them back over? I left them yesterday not expecting to be working this morning."

"Sure." He smiled.

"Thank you." I paused a moment, my lips itching to find his why we still have cover.

"Welcome." He leaned over, "Is it ok if I kiss you?"

We both chuckle like kids and I just nod, "Please do."

He kissed me, short and sweet. The car stopped and I got out quickly.  _ **This... This is moving fast and I like it.**_ I smirked as I walked in, and felt good for once with my usual swagger.

"Ok, where's the fire?"

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

After Rafael got out, I leaned back in the seat. This felt good, odd but good. So many things running through my head but I was good with this, I was happy with this... Whatever this was. So when we stopped at one hogan place, I was startled by the driver turning around to me.

"Excuse me, sir, Mr. Barba requested that I take your number for his account."

I paused and chuckled as I wrote out my name and number for him, "Do you usually call him Mr. Barba?"

"No, Rafael. He strangely doesn't like to be formal when I am usually the driver he uses." He mused.

"What is your name?"

"Jacob. I go by Jake." 

"Emmanuel but my friends call me Emma." He chuckled at that.

"And Rafael calls you that?"

"Recently he has." I blushed.

"Good, he really likes you. He doesn't have me run errands for just anyone."

We both chuckled at that, even after just a few days I know it wasn't completely true. Though Jacob did seem surprised he added me to his account. He handed me his card and I put the number in my phone.  

"Will text work if I need a ride or to get one for him?"

"Always worked for him." 

Jake waited as I ran up and got the files so he could drop me off at SVU. Not that it was a bad place, but so far I think I made the wrong first impression and everyone hates me... But again, this is just my thought on the matter as Raf assured me they didn't.

"Thank you again." I nodded as he waved.

I held the few files and started into the precinct, standing tall and moving confidently. Why the suit was a little small in length, it wasn't horrible and didn't draw to much attention. For my short time at work, it will do well enough. I walked in the elevator and closed my eyes, begging not to be too challenging to them... But then again, if they knew it wouldn't be as hard.

One ding and I walked into the room, stepping over to the table and small group as they noticed.  _ **Easy. Easy... Try to watch everyone's face and just don't let them get to you.**_

"Emmanuel, thank you for coming in." Raf... I mean Barba, took the files.

"Anyway I can help." I bowed lightly.

I caught him eye motioning me to Carisi and I had missed his words.  _ **Great, we start already. I wasn't ready for this and now this squad will hate me more.**_ I swallowed the lump in my throat and start to ask him to repeat it when Benson took my eye.

"We could use an extra set of eyes." She smiled, "If you don't mind."

A few looks around the table but I nod and then she looks at everyone, "You have all met Emmanuel. Emmanuel you have met the squad."

Everyone nodded, so she raised a brow and looked at me, "Should I say it or you?"

_**Ok, Benson won't let the secret stay. I guess Barba tried to warn me.**_ I just nodded and looked down a moment. I hated saying it, made it sound like some rare disease or something bad. _**But it isn't. Deaf isn't the worse thing or some rare disease people die from... It wasn't dire, it was normal.**_

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

"Emmanuel, thank you for coming in." I smiled as he handed me the files.

"Anyway I can help." He bowed lightly.

"Tell us who this killer is so we don't waste any more time on him." Carisi mumbled and looked over as Emmanuel seemed unmoved from the earlier comment. 

I motioned with an eye roll towards Carisi and I seen his fear spike.  _ **It's not your fault. There are five people here, you can't see everyone enough to know what they say.**_ Liv caught it too and went to end it.

"We could use an extra set of eyes." She smiled, "If you don't mind."

A few looks around the table but he nod and then she looks at everyone, "You have all met Emmanuel. Emmanuel, you have met the squad."

Everyone nodded, so she raised a brow and looked at him, "Should I say it or you?"

_**And everyone knows...** _

"Emmanuel is deaf. He can read lips and speak very well but he has to see your lips to know what you say."

"I feel like an ass." Carisi spoke with his head against the table.

"That explains a lot." Amanda chuckled and patted the man's back gently.

"Ok, no big deal." I pushed over it and changed the conversation to save Emma from passing out of embarrassment, "Let's focus on the lead story in the news first thing in the morning."

_**Good morning, everyone knows about that and no one knows about us... I kinda like it this way.** _


	5. Dinner maybe?

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I was watching the scene play out... Every day they did the same thing. Days later after the squad found out, they were still awkward around Emmanuel and tries to include him in an overwhelming way. They wouldn't call, always stop in to ask him questions. They would walk over in front of him to talk to him, almost as if he was a child like he only partially understood. I knew he hated it, but that was also from the fact we have had several dates and he confided in me.

"Rafa?" He called to me as I came out of my attached bath.

"Yes, Emma?" I turned to him in only my towel.

"Does SVU like me?" He was tangled in my sheets staring up at me.

"Of course, son profesionales. (they are professional.)" I waved off the negativity as he sighed.

"Then why do they act like I'm five."

 _ **Because they are adjusting to the 'deaf' thing they now know.**_ A shrug came off my shoulders as I spoke.

"They are still learning."

It was silent, then I turned around and realized I very much am too. I still can't get the whole speak facing him so he can see my mouth.

"They are still learning."

He chuckled and sat up so I could glance over his vast back and broad shoulders, "So are you. Before you deny it, I know that look, it's the 'i just talked without looking at him look.' Cute but still."

"I'm that obvious?" I sat down facing him, "Eso es todo, cancela el fin de semana de juego en Las Vegas. (That's it, cancel the gambling weekend in Vegas.)"

He leaned in and kissed me, "funny as always."

"Emma, you ok?"

His eyes shifted up to mine again, "Yeah, it just bothers me the way they do it."

"They'll grow out of it with time. They have to adjust to it is all."

"Hopefully it won't take long."

My hand cupped his cheek as I smiled, "Why don't we get some food? I know a lovely place around the corner."

"Sure." 

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

As with every day of work with Rafael, I found myself forwarding calls to my cell and delivering stuff for him. Run a few papers to the court, catch him just out of a meeting with the DA, and of course SVU. He never failed to surprise me with request though, he had a nasty habit of only bringing what he needed and never considering what might also be needed later.

Today, I was running to my favorite place and finding the whole squad waiting on me minus Raf and Benson in her office.

"Hi, Emmanuel." Rollins waved at me.

"How's it going?" Carisi looked over with Fin.

"Busy. Too many calls..." My leg vibrated and I answered the phone with a small earpiece, "ADA Rafael Barba's office, how may I help you?"

My hand lifted the phone up for me to read clearly.

"Yes, this is Jenna with new york one. I am calling about..."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Barba is not in right now and won't be making statements to the press. When such a thing is to be done, a press conference will be held."

I hung up and looked back to them, the looks of 'i just seen an alien' still being shown. I turned my phone around.

"Talk to text. I read what they say, I speak back." 

Everyone nodded and looked amazed but trying to hide it. The attention was raising my nerves so I turned and went right to the office. One knock, a count to three, and I stepped in as they both smiled.

"Hi Emmanuel." Benson nodded.

"Hello Lieutenant Benson."

Raf laughed again at that, "Could you be any more nervous."

"Surprisingly yes, let's not test it please." I handed him his files, "Two calls from your 'Mamí" I added emphases and finger quotations to it, "And a dozen or more from press. I keep telling them they will be notified when a press conference is held. They have colorful language after that."

"They usually do." He chuckled, "And what's with this." He copied the finger quotations.

"I suck at the Spanish accent and feel odd calling her mamí and not mommy. Mommy is actually weird for my bosses mom."

Both older adults laughed as Raf stood, "Call her Lucia, she won't mind. I know what you mean too."

"Thank you." I nodded as he waved me on, "Feel free to go back to the comfy chair."

I walk out happy and content, only a few steps down the sidewalk my phone buzzed but not for a call. A text appeared from Raf.

> _**Raf:** How about dinner tonight? I know the perfect spot open late and hardly ever crowded._

I didn't hide the smile, no one could tell why if they wanted. I just felt my cheeks burn as my happiness lingered around me. 

> **_Emma:_ ** _Sounds great. Will you be picking me up from work or joining me for a while b_ _efore we leave together?_
> 
> **_R:_ ** _I plan on coming back after the hearing. Don't know how long it might be so I may pick you up when I get done unless you want to wait around while I work._
> 
> **_E:_ ** _I'll wait._

I run to the offices and finish all work I can so everything will be done. The quicker it's done the quicker we get to dinner.

* * *

After court, Rafael came back to his office and finished a little work before we left. He went through notes and more files as I waited on the couch in his office. I played on my phone and ignored the way time slowed as I waited. I see a paper ball fly over at my feet, making me look up.

"Yes?"

"You're being quiet."

"That tends to happen." I shrugged.

"No, I meant in general. You haven't been talking about much." He leaned back, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Try again."

I looked down and another ball hit my foot. Not wanting to talk caused a third to hit. My eyes jumped up, he then slowly stood and walked over.

"Emma, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Then why aren't you speaking really? I noticed at SVU but didn't want to make a scene."

"I just... I'm still adjusting to them."

He nodded but crouched down by me, holding my knee as he leaned in to keep my attention.

"Emma, I love your voice." He smirked, "It's my favorite thing in the world."

"Now who's lying."

"Not me."

After a moment of thought, He called the car and was texting as I looked over. He glanced up and smiled. The phone being pocketed before he walked beside me with that connection, that mild touch of a tingle but I was thinking of the phone more.  _ **I wish that phone would break so I can enjoy him again...**_

"Don't worry, I was telling Liv to leave me alone until tomorrow." He walked me out and down by the curb, "I wanted a night without work."

"Why does it feel like wishful thinking?" I mused as he slapped my arm softly.

"I said no work."

"I would never do that at work, you would fire me."

"No, I wouldn't." He paused, "Ok, discipline not fire."

"Then you can discipline me later."

 His quick little chuckle made my heart leap a moment before he got the door for me. Once hidden from the world, I leaned into him and kissed those damn lips. It felt too perfect, this hidden world we now had since this was technically out of bounds. He took my hand and kept me close as we were taken to the little restaurant he spoke of with how late it was.

"It's not much but they won't be busy. The food is delicious too." 

I smiled at the way he looked at me, as if marveling at my ability to read his lips with how fast he tends to speak.

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I sighed as Emma looked out the window after reading my lips. My feet touch the broken sidewalk and I help Emma out. We were a few feet in when my phone rang and we both paused.

"Yes, Liv?"

"This is important." She started, "This case just got worse."

"Gay beater/murder got worse?"

"He attacked a celebrity and his husband. Husband just died in surgery, our Broadway celebrity is on a warpath from his hospital bed."

"Ok, I'll be right there." I hung up and frowned at Emma, "I have to..."

"To go? I get it, don't worry about me."

"I promised you a date." I stroked his cheek.

"And I would rather not have this guy on the streets. I'm not in Chelsea, I'll be fine picking up food and going home."

"Yeah, I guess."

He stole a kiss, "I'm just gonna order food and call a car. Text me if you get out earlier then later."

I watched him walk in but quickly went to SVU. I was with Liv as the squad went over new evidence and the newest victim laid out demands on public tv. We watched him call out the investigation and demand more from the police.

"Well, there goes sleep." I tossed my briefcase in a chair.

"Go, bring me anything." Liv ushered the squad out and turned to Rafa, "like you would get sleep anyway."

"No, I planned on it after the food." I grumbled.

"Date?" She looked up, "Who's the lucky guy or girl?"

"No one." A brush of her words and she knew she had me.

"Sure." 

"The date fell through with your call."

"Not if they really like you."

I looked down and smiled at my phone.

> **_Emma:_ ** _Brought home two so you will have leftovers if you stop by._
> 
> _P.s. Still not my worse date._

I blushed a little reading the end, no surprise Liv caught it. She glanced enough to read my phone a little. With every fiber of my being, I held in a groan knowing she got most of the text.

"Emma? Lucky girl."

 _**Oh, I think he is. I swear he is but more for me. I am lucky enough to have him.**_ She looked at me closely as I slipped the phone away.

"Not as lucky as me."

She handed me a few files, "That may be true, but you have to work now."

"Yeah, thanks Liv." I opened the first file, "Pulling me away from the one good moment of the day."

"Have Emmanuel help you. Cut time in half and maybe still get a date."

"No, I'm fine with you." I handed her a file, "Leave him to his night."


	6. Words not spoken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Squad uses Emmanuel to translate for a deaf victim. See texts with 'Emma' on raf's phone.

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I looked at the new file Liv handed me. Between this new victim and the celebrity who won't let the media move away from these attacks, I have been swamped with press calls and crowds around one hogan place. More so, I feel sorry for Emma and his constant badgering in the matter.  _ **Make sure he gets a good dinner here soon, he deserves so much more even.**_

"Mr. Barba?"

I glanced up and smiled as Emma handed me notes, "Yes Emma?"

"You have much more than a dozen news outlets asking for info. Really hoping they stop soon of I might be answering them in my sleep."

"That would be impressive." I smirked.

"Not when it's the middle of the night and no phone call... All my annoying imagination." he sighed and ran his fingers through his longer hair.

"I promise to talk back to you so it isn't one-sided." I shrug as he glared.

"How considerate."

I look down to laugh but he saw my face curl before I hid it. He huffed and turned away.

"You could hide it better."

"No, I couldn't." I smirked, talking out loud and not being heard was odd but relieving. 

It was odd to feel so relieved talking out loud with Emma's back turned. You would think it disrespectful but Emma knows and doesn't mind. Talking out loud with someone in the room makes it less odd, even if they can't hear.

"So tonight, I was thinking we can get some sushi and a good movie. Cuddle up in bed..." He shrugged again with soft but broad shoulders.

I tossed a pen at him so he would look at me, gaining a normal response. Pen hits, he turns around and glares as he picked it up and threw it back. 

"Yes?" the angry edge in his voice showing through.

"That sounds lovely."

"You can do something besides throwing pens right? Is it so hard to walk over?"

"And lose my spot, yes." I teased back, "Mis disculpas, la próxima vez conseguiré una pistola de agua y dispararé a tu lado.  (my apologies, next time I'll get a squirt gun and shoot beside you.)"

"Har Har."

The moment broken by my phone chiming to life. He walked away to his desk and I answered a little too amused for Liv.

"Hello?"

"Barba, we need you here now." 

This statement twisted my gut, not from the demanding I would usually call her put on but for the now. The urgency loss on me since she proceeded to tell me nothing at all after the statement.

"Why is that?"

"We have a possible victim coming in. She gave the bare minimum, "It sounds like it was before this spree started."

"Ok, I will be over as soon as possible." I forced a smile as if she could see but rolled my eyes and tossed the phone down when she hung up.

"It's not to late yet, sushi and a movie is still possible." 

I grabbed the briefcase and walked slowly out to let Emma know the plan. He nods and goes back to filing as I ran to SVU. Coming close to the front entrance I saw the media waiting and quickly slipped in with a small group going in. The officers were quick to push the press back and help others through. I slid in and made it up to their floor and came face to face with Liv and a frustrated look.

"What did I miss?" I glanced around to see three more pathetic faces.

"Victim is deaf. We can't get a translator." Sonny looked over, "A few hours wait and the vic is getting jumpy."

"Did you know this before the wasted call?" I huffed.

"No... But maybe you can get Emmanuel down here and he'll translate." 

"Oh, you want me too?" I crossed my arms, "No. Ustedes necesitan hablar con él y dejar de usarme. No necesito darle órdenes así todo el tiempo. (No. You guys need to talk to him and stop using me. I don't need to give him orders like this all the time.)"

Fin and Amanda looked at each other, Sonny shrugging. Liv being the only one knowing the spanish gave her the position to answer. A position she wasn't humored by.

"Fine. I'll ask but he is your temp."

I roll my eyes and pull out my phone to text him a warning before she called.

  


I tossed my phone down on the lock screen but the name and message would still show without the picture being seen. A small security for me that no one could read the whole message or know the full conversation.

"Hey Emmanuel, could I get your help at the precinct? I need a translator fast and no one is available."

It was silent a moment and I hoped he listened. He seemed to because the call ended and she nodded and sent Sonny to keep the vic company. I left my phone a moment to get coffee while Liv retrieved a file for me to take back to the office. When I got back, the squad turned away from a desk quickly and tried to hide the fact they were looking at it, Liv holding the file included.

"Yes?"

"You got a text councilor." Amanda smiled as I rushed to grab it.

"Overgrown children." I mumbled and looked at the screen.

> _**Emma:** I hope you mean extra sushi councilor._

It went silent as everyone danced around the question they wanted to ask. But straight silence wasn't the way to ignore it. It drove me crazy and I glanced around until Amanda caved.

"Who's Emma?"

_**Shit, they are gonna piece this together...** _

"She must be pretty nice if you are still seeing her after last time." Liv added.

"Last time?" I froze a moment.

"Yeah, we called you away from dinner. She must be pretty good to give you a second chance."

**_Or in the words of his stupid joke, I would fire him before I'd let him break up with me after the first partial date._** It took a moment to hit me, they didn't connect it yet.  _ **Wait, what if they just keep believing Emma is a girl and not my male assistant.**_ My lips curled up as I looked at the reply on the lock screen again.

"Yeah... She's amazing."

"The councilor gots a girlfriend." Fin chuckled as everyone joined in.

It wasn't the 'laughing at you' as much as the 'laughing with you' kind. My lips tugged up and it all felt right in that moment. It felt more like our dinners out or drinks at the bar kinda time with the squad, like this case was gone. 

"So Barba, who is this Emma?"

"What does she do?"

"Uh..." I blanked out but was saved by Emma walking in, "Emmanuel."

He smiled and stopped by the edge of the bullpen, "You rang?"

"Right this way." Liv moved him into the interview room as I lead the others into her office. 

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

I walked into the room and sat down, Liv leaving for her office. Alone with Sonny and the victim, I turn to the detective for guidance.

"Just translate what I say and tell me what he says."

"Ok. Let's start." I nod and waited.

"This interview is being recorded for use in court. Make sure he is ok with that."

I look to the young man, a little older than me. Short clean-cut hair on a baby face, average height, well cared for clothes. Knowing the guy is after gay men, I would've sworn he made a mistake except the man started right after he nodded his approval. He moved fast but I kept it strong.

"I am a gay man. My boyfriend was out on a business trip and I got lonely so I went to the bar." A few more motions and I continued, "I went to a bar, figured a drink would calm my nerves. Instead, I got hit on and left. A guy jumped me on the street and pulled me into the alley."

I turn to Sonny, He acknowledged my words and pushed on, "Can he describe the man?"

A few hand movements and the man replied quickly, "Can I have a pen and paper?" 

Sonny found it quickly and the man drew everything in detail. The eyes, a small scar, shading of the skin. He wrote down the details as well. Blue eyes, three tattoos, stubble with bad teeth... Not rotted but far to close to it. Honestly, I read it and picture someone more from London than in America. I took cue from Sonny to ask more questions as the man replied.

 "One drink in and he started hitting on me."

"Ask him if he could identify him." Sonny looked between us.

I barely got three words in when the man stopped me. He wrote down a name and we both paused.  _ **Does he know him?**_

"Is that the name he gave?"

I passed it on in this serious game of telephone. He replied quickly and to my shock.

"I saw his license, it took me a moment to place him but he worked with my boyfriend before."

"Doing what?" Sonny watched closely.

"He was an investment banker."

Sonny paused and looked at the file a moment, "Ask if he knows this man."

A photo came out and I didn't even translate before he went wide-eyed and we knew the answer. He excused himself and asked me to wait with him, seeing his small shake made me feel worse for the guy. So we started talking as we waited.

_I'm sorry for all this pain._

_At least I have a good man willing to keep me. I swore he would've left when I told him I was raped._

_That's a good quality. I wish I had that in my life._

_Don't give up, there are good people still out there... Most are gay I am told._

We both laughed as he smiled for the first time I have seen in this questioning. He started to tell me about his now husband and how they met. It was so sweet I almost wanted to talk about me and Raf, but the camera was on us still.

_What about you? Are you dating anyone or holding out for Mr. Right._

_You have to date some wrongs to find Mr. Right... Right?_

Our laughs were interrupted by more questions and answers. He seemed less interested now in helping, playing up more to talking to me. They let him go and he asked for my number, so I let him down easy. 

_I might not have a Mr. Right, but you do. Live it up for the both of us._

He nodded and went on. Flirting wasn't extremely rare for me, but after meeting Raf it really did make me uncomfortable.  ** _I guess I really do like him... Maybe Raf is my Mr. Right._**

* * *

A little bit later, once Raf walked me out to the waiting car. He stopped and took my hand.

"If you want to get that sushi and movie, I'll be home soon."

"What good is that if I can't get in your home?"

He smirked and pulled a key, "It does if you take this."

"Your Key? A key to your home?" I took it hesitantly.

"You have been spending nights with me. Why not be there when I get home too?"

I reached to kiss him but shifted to a hug as my mind clicked on where we were.  _ **I am definitely kissing him when he walks in the door.**_


	7. Lucky

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I sat down at my desk, Emma at his working away. It was our usual day at work, but somehow it always got twisted around. Someone interrupted and work dragged out until it felt like hell holding us apart. Today, it was the squad visiting on case details. We bunkered down inside my office as I took notes and we all started working out where to go with this now... At least we were until we hit a wall and was waiting on the warrant for searches.

"So councilor... How's Emma?"

"Emma?" I blinked, "What do you mean?"

"Tell us about her." Amanda smiled.

"Uh... No." I looked down at my notes and willed the phone to ring, but it wouldn't.

"Come on Barba." Sonny joined in.

"Hair color?" Liv shrugged, "Give us just a little to find her with."

"I don't want you too." I sighed.

"Hair color?" She repeated and under the peer pressure and stares... I wavered and fell.

"Brown."

"Eye color?"

"Hazel."

"Profession?"

I paused and thought it over.  _ **Saying temp, secretary... It would be a giveaway. Maybe assistant? Still too close. How can I word this?**_ I looked up as my lips moved before my brain thought it through. 

"She was an assistant and understudy to a media marketer."

It just slipped out, the truth. That was what Emmanuel told him, he did work as second in command to a major media marketing firm with his father figure till the accident... But it felt wrong to say out loud.

"Sounds interesting." Sonny nodded. 

"How did you two meet?"

"Elevator. We were riding down together." I brushed it off.

"This must be a new thing." Fin added.

"What, probably around the time Emmanuel started." Amanda glanced over, "How is he doing?"

_**Still annoyed by everyone talking to him like a toddler.** _

I shrugged, "He is second only to Carmen in his work abilities."

"So you do want Carmen back when she is done with pregnancy leave?"

**_No, I'm gonna turn her away and keep Emmanuel. Unlike some DA's, I would rather not keep anyone I'm involved with in my office like so..._ **

I chuckled, "Yes. Emmanuel is a temp, nothing but."

_**Except my boyfriend sort of... Is it to soon to name it? I gave him a key already, I think it's implied.** _

"Hey, Barba..." Liv motioned to the door, Emmanuel."

I turn to see the young man and smiled, "Yes?"

"Call from Lucia... She is insistent."

"Put her through." I nod and waved the squad out, "Please?"

"Say hi to Mamí." Liv teased as she walked out.

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

I seen everyone leave, waving as they went. I waved back and smiled, feeling a little better.  _ **At least they are easing out of it. They won't treat me with kids gloves entirely here soon.**_ I settled into my seat and took notes on another section of the case they asked for help with. The details are disturbing, to say the least, and I am certainly glad I didn't have a large lunch leading up to this afternoon.

A wad of paper on my desk made me look at my 'boss' standing in the doorway, "so... Can I talk you into dinner tonight?"

"Not so sure after reading this I really want to." I shrug, "I almost taste breakfast coming back up and I haven't made it to the M.E. report."

"Skip it. In fact, don't worry about notes." He walked over, "I don't want this weighing on you outside of work and, honestly, it is attempting to with me."

"In that case, I'm thinking Vietnamese." I stood carefully pushing the chair back, "And a long shower."

"Company allowed?" He smirked, "Order to go. We shouldn't be out too much right now." 

I paused but agreed, why go out in such solemn mood. We can lean on each other and hide away from this world of uncertainty. Raf glanced to the door then stole a small kiss.

"We should be done in the hour if SVU doesn't find anything new. Order any time and take the car to get it."

"Of course." I reached for the phone but stopped, "How was the squad?"

"The squad? They are as they usually are." He looked amused, "They were asking about you... In different ways."

"Different ways?"

"They asked about Emma then you."

I raised my head at that, "Emma?"

"Your name on my phone."

"They think Emma is someone else."

"They think she is my new girlfriend." He chuckled, "I found it amusing."

My head dropped and I ignored his words. It sounded childish but, hearing his amusement bothered me a little. He seemed to notice and change the subject as we wrapped up our work and left. Every day for the past week the squad has asked about Emma. They teased Rafael and even came to me for information on her and I was done with it. The minute we got silence from them again, I was having this chat with him.

"Emma is one lucky girl counselor." Sonny chuckled, "I mean, flowers."

"Well, it is a simple gift."

"More of a suggestive gift." Amanda adds.

He hadn't expected me to walk in now but he couldn't let them know they were mine.  _ **I am really getting tired of this.**_ I looked over and smiled softly as I sat down a folder. 

"Anything else."

He frowned softly, whether at my tone or the fact his little surprise was ruined. Not that my tone was harsh, I just kept a steady even tone like I wasn't paying attention. Maybe he thought I didn't like them. 

"No, thank you, Emmanuel." 

"I'll be going." I nodded and ran. 

Outside, I stopped a moment to take in the fresh air. It was calming and then a hand found me. I jumped and turn to see a soft laughed and sweet smile. It was the man from the interview...  _ **What was it? John?**_ I smiled and looked him over.

_Sorry, John._ He smiled, moving closer to add.  _My name is John_.

_Oh, yes sorry._

I chuckled back,  _The detectives are up there and..._

_No, I was actually hoping to run into you. I need to chat and maybe a drink_. He motioned down the way, _I_ _figured you would be easier than a detective._

I held in a laugh and he went red,  _No, No... Not like that._

_It's ok, I get it. It's probably weird having me approach you and everything._

My heart was melting and I needed to stop him. Needed to tell him yes before he made a scene and people saw.

_One drink won't hurt. It couldn't._

I motioned him on and walked with him. I just needed a break from everything, to not feel like I was a dirty little secret. We went to a little coffee shop down the way and found a table, having a conversation that wasn't work related.

  _So how is your boyfriend with everything?_

I didn't want to seem mean. Obviously, he cares a lot about him after the way we talked waiting on the squad. 

  _Adjusting. Me telling him was one thing, going to the police after they blew me off the first time... He isn't so happy._

_Well, you are saving others. You are helping to catch this bad man._

_ By trusting police that discarded me as crazy before. _

I had to understand his point of view, the police had tossed him out calling him a liar. I felt truly horrible, I felt as if I should back Rafael and the squad. So why did it feel like they failed on this one?

_They are trying to help. They really are._

_Let's not talk about it. How is everything on that looking for Mr. Right stuff?_

_I'm not too sure right now. I found an amazing man but, you see, it's complicated._

His hand came out to touch mine, the mood shifting along with me. I felt uncomfortable, that feeling hitting me of betrayal and I had to go.  _ **How can I go? How does one escape this?**_ My heart was aching and just when I was afraid I would somehow fall into this mistake, because it would be a mistake, my phone rang.

_I must get it. Work._

He nodded but looked at me like he knew it was an excuse. I lifted the phone as my Bluetooth turned on for me to speak softer. 

"Yes, Mr. Barba?"

"Emma, did you go home? I wanted to talk... Maybe dinner?" I waited a moment as the system slowly added, "We really need to talk. I'm sorry about earlier... I will tell them everything."

"You don't have t..."

"Please, let us chat. Dinner. Whatever you like."

"Ok, dinner." I sighed, "let's have dinner."

"At our place, or should we meet at the office."

_**Our home? He really sees it as ours?**_ A smile touched my lips, wide and strong.

"Home. I'll be there soon." 

As the call dropped, I looked up. 

_Sorry, I need to go._

He didn't look happy but let me go. Our brief coffee a distant memory. I wanted to go to Rafael, needed to... I needed to talk.

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

Once I left SVU, I went back to the office and stopped by Emma's desk. Seeing it empty was odd, I fought the urge to run back out to find him. Instead, I called him. 

"Yes, Mr. Barba?"

Emma always talked loud or extremely quiet, there wasn't an in between. But then again, he couldn't tell that nor gauge his tone.

"Emma, did you go home? I wanted to talk... Maybe dinner?" There was a pause for a reply but my nerves got the best of me, "We really need to talk. I'm sorry about earlier... I will tell them everything."

"You don't have t..."

"Please, let us chat. Dinner. Whatever you like."

"Ok, dinner." He sighed, "let's have dinner."

"At our place, or should we meet at the office."

_**Our home? Did I really just jump to that? I need to stop rushing like this.** _

"Home. I'll be there soon." 

The call ended and I smiled at my shoes.  _ **He said home... Maybe it wasn't rushing.**_ I grabbed a few things and fixed my jacket before heading home... Our home. Arriving first, I was pacing nervously.  _ **He didn't look too happy back there. Surprise flowers kinda not a surprise anymore.**_ I held the flowers, looking them over. 

"Hey, Raf." Emma walked in, "Hope you weren't waiting too long."

"No, not at all." He lifted the flowers, "I know it isn't much and you already seen but..."

"They are beautiful." He stepped forward.

His slender hands tracing up the small ribbon, the dark midnight blue roses mixed with a simple blue and sky blue. A few white calla lilies, mixed in to break up the colors. His hand slowly wrapped around and took them from me as he stepped up and kissed my cheek.

"Sweet even if I saw them before now." He lifted them to smell.

"So... About..." He raised a finger and stopped me.

"Over dinner. I want a drink to throw in your face." He jested and took my hand, "If dinner is still on the table."

"Of course. Just let me..." This time my phone cut in and we both let the disappointment show, "Barba."

"Hey Rafa, we need you at the squad room. We just had another attack nearby. Amanda and Sonny are heading to the hospital and we have a few witnesses here at the station."

"Ok, be right there."

I watched as Emma dropped the flowers still wrapped in a vase with little water, clearly just as annoyed as me.

"Emmanuel too. We have a deaf witness."

"We'll be right there." I corrected. 

The phone dropped down and he slowly walked to the door, "maybe tomorrow? Who knows."

"We'll get dinner tonight or a really early breakfast." I kissed his cheek.

"Well, the squad does seem to think I'm lucky to have you." He winked, "I'll be fine with either."


	8. Weirder then fiction pt. 1

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

As Rafael and I walk into the bullpen, I see John to the side. He wasn't looking at me or Raf, honestly looking confused. I found it odd but, what could I do or say. He witnessed a crime, it was easier to do as asked than question why he was at a bar after we had coffee.

"Emmanuel, could you interview our witness from before? He saw some of the attack." Benson asked as she pulled Raf to the side. 

I walked over as John looked up, his lips trembling as if of shock. I sat next to him and he leaned in to be held, strangely I do just that. Just holding him a moment as I looked to all The bar people trying to describe what happened to the man almost dead in an alley. Pushing John up, I start to question him and write it down for memory.

_John, tell me what happened?_

He sniffled and took a tissue before signing back.

_The man was walking out the back door for a smoke. Cigarette in hand and nothing off. A couple minutes later, I seen people shouting about a bang and shouting of bloody murder._

He shook a little at that, a twitch that spoke mountains of words.  _ **He can still see the body. He can still see it.**_

 _I ran out first, two men behind me to find then man on the alley. His face..._ He choked up and I calmed him down again,  _His face was busted in and blood pouring. His side, I swore I saw bone._

_Did you see anyone running? Anyone nearby that didn't go out the door with you?_

He nodded adamantly,  _It looked just like the man before. He glanced up under a hood and ran._

I continued to comfort him the best I could as he tried to give a statement.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

Liv pulled me to the side and gave me a rundown of what they knew until the room cleared up. When almost all the witnesses were gone, I seen it again. That John victim from before, he was crying on Emma and I felt an oddly familiar ping. Jealous.  _ **Why are victims so clingy? He is hanging from Emma like a tree! If only I could pull him away. No, you're being ridiculous.**_ I glanced away but Liv caught it.

"Why are you so protective of Emmanuel? Because he's your temp or he's deaf."

I looked at her with a cocked brow,  _ **because I love him like you wouldn't believe?**_ "What makes you think...?"

"I'm not blind counselor." She chuckled, "And I know you better than that."

"Fair enough." I sighed, "I don't want him getting in too deep. He isn't used to this work and I don't want to lose my temp prematurely."

"I think Emmanuel can handle his own." 

"Still, doesn't hurt to watch out for him." 

"Whatever you say." She rolled her eyes, "The room is clearing up. I'll round everyone up to go over what we have... And give the news."

"What news?" 

"He died." Liv paused and took a deep breath, "The hospital called a few minutes ago."

"Another murder charge and no suspect. The DA is going to be riding my ass now." I grumbled as she chuckled.

"No worse than Dodds on mine."

I look back to Emma, frowning softly as He tried to pry John away and still do his work.  _ **You're an assistant, not a detective or rape counselor... I shouldn't of let them drag you into this. And this John guy, I'm not liking him. He's off, I'm not sure how but he is.**_ My childish rant in my head only confirmed I needed sleep. 

"Make it quick Liv, I need sleep."

She gathered the crew up and Emmanuel stepped in the room.

"Yes, lieu?" 

"What do we have?" 

"Not much." Fin cut in, "Everyone gave the same story, not much on detail."

Emma read his lips and slipped in himself, "John said it was the same man as before. He had on a hoodie but he saw his face right before he ran."

"Emma..." I went wide-eyed and was trying to play it off like I didn't just call him by his pet name at work, luckily, Amanda chose to cut me off then and no one seemed to notice but Emma.

"Everyone had the same description but two people said they didn't see it personally. Only the one man panicking and waving his hands."

As everyone went over what they had, It seemed it was all alike. A match to John's with little details being off. But they were so small and in a panic situation, you miss stuff. We took notes but sent Emmanuel home, I figured he can go home and I'll see him soon. Just to make sure, A text to confirm after he's away from the group.

A smile graced my lips and I couldn't hide it really. They would most definitely notice but honestly, I didn't care. They still wouldn't know and I still wouldn't tell them the whole truth.

"What's that look for councilor." Fin glanced over.

"Let me guess, Emma." Amanda smiled, "Lucky girl."

"Obviously, Barba is preoccupied." Liv teased, "as we all are right now."

"Fair enough, let's get this straightened out so we can all go."

"You mean so you can go see your girlfriend." Sonny corrected.

"All the stories are matching right?" I pushed topic back to the case.

"Yes." Sonny paused, "Except one I had. She didn't see anything but the body on the ground but swears someone was already trying to help the man on the ground."

"I had one that said something like that." Fin paused, "he thought he saw the deaf man over the body first when the door opened. He was adamant he was already outside and not running out the door first."

"What did Emmanuel say?" Liv glanced to Raf.

"John heard the scream and was first out the door. That's what he told me." I paused, "Let me call him. He can give us a complete recap."

I lifted my phone, hearing the ring and no answer. I frown and redial, same result.

"Everything ok councilor?"

"He isn't answering." I glance up, "Maybe he went to bed."

_**Or showered because I was coming over after? It's probably nothing.**  _

"Well, I guess we don't need an ADA right now. Head home and tomorrow we'll bring it to you." Liv sighed, "We'll have Emmanuel to help then."

"Ok, if you insist." I rolled my eyes but thanked god they leg me go.

They kept piecing together what they could as I ran for my car. It was waiting for me at the corner, I dropped in and smiled as the words left my lips before I even had the door shut.

"Emmanuel's place. It's just a quick stop... Picking him up really." 

"You really like this one." Jake chuckled as they started on their way.

"You've said that already."

"Yeah, but you didn't answer last time."

"That was the answer." I shook my head, "pleading the fifth."

"So you're guilty. Got it."

_**I am screwed. They can almost see it in me, they just don't know it's him.** _

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

I was home, a quick shower and a small bag halfway packed on my bed. The apartment was small and simple, fairly modest compared to what had been his home with his former boss.  _ **If I keep having things happen with my bosses, my career will be short. Very short.**_ A fresh suit laid beside the bed, ready for tomorrow.

"I wish I didn't work tomorrow." I sat beside it a moment, "A day off with Rafa might be best."

_Or with me._

My skin was almost left under me as I leaped out of it. The face not connecting in my head as fear took over. I wasn't alone, my home had been invaded... My heart pounding.

"John?"

_Hello. Didn't mean to scare you. I knocked and you didn't answer of course... So I let myself in._

_I locked my door behind me._ A spine tingle pulled me to put more space between us, more of a losing battle since he approached slowly.

_I know, so careful really... I have been here the whole time. I guess you didn't answer because you weren't home._

My back hit the wall and my body cried out in silent pleas of help. Tears starting at the corner of my eyes and my lips twitching as he got closer. The fear was palpable, filling the room like the air we breathed... Invisible but there.

_I came to ask you out but, I see you already have someone. They always have someone. They always have someone better... Always better than me._

_John... What are you talking about?_ I watched him laugh silently and glare.

 _The others, they flirted and acted so happy. Acted like they were better. Couldn't even talk to me because they had better._ He stepped closer and held out his hands as if making a point,  _Just look at you. You were nice and sweet, then you brush me off when I ask you out. Come to find out you are fucking your boss! Out of all the cliches, you go for that one._

I shook visibly, seeing him sign this confession knowing I couldn't escape. He could see me so clearly, so easily... My foolish self just cornered myself with no defense except my own body.  _ **He will kill me. I will be the next one. My body discarded in a mess for my family and Raf... Oh god, what would it do to Raf? He would be devastated, or would he even care? We've barely even begun.**_ I don't know which hurt more, the broom handle to the temple knocking me out or the thought that Raf might not be hurt.

* * *

_**John** _

* * *

I looked at the mess, a little blood dripping out. My only thought was cleaning it up and getting him out. He couldn't die, something was different with Emmanuel. I got on my knees and did a minor clean on that part of the floor after wrapping up his head. 

 **_He got injured and I was taking him to the hospital. I could get help moving him and keep the detectives confused... What was it, probable cause? I get Emmanuel and they have too many stories and prints to decipher, but I need him put off his apartment._ ** ****

I lift him gently and move him to the kitchen, breaking a small glass I had been drinking out of waiting on him. Shattering the glass and laying him on the ground before grabbing his phone and calling the lobby phone.

"Hello, Mr. James. How can I help you?"

I read his words and remained quiet as he repeated.

"Mr. James? Are you ok?"

There was a pause and then the phone read over subtitles of paper ruffling and so on. After a moment, it came back to a speaking person.

"I am on my way up Mr. James. Hold on."

I ran back over and kneeled by Emmanuel, waiting till the door opened and started to panic. Putting up a solid act, the man running in and trying to talk to me only to realize I'm deaf. His frown clear as I started to gesture. I pointed to Emmanuel and with flat hands lifted up. He understood and helped me move him down to my car. Hey used his fingers to sign nine one one and I shook no. I pointed to car, then signed hospital knowing he didn't understand. In the confusion he let me go and I smiled.  _ **Emmanuel, you are mine now. No ADA to steal you away.**_

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I pull up to the building and text him, still no reply. I told myself I wasn't worried but I definitely was, and I wasn't hiding it.

"Jake, wait here would you."

"As you wish Raf."

I ran up to his apartment, knocking softly with still no answer.  _ **He's deaf, he can't hear you knock.**_ I paused and sighed, twisting the handle to find it unlocked. A small push and I see a fairly well-kept place and nothing odd. 

"Well, it's not quite what I expected but... I see why he likes it." 

I looked around and walked into his bedroom where I stopped. My eyes settled on the small bag that sat half packed with toiletries.  _ **This isn't right. Not even close... Where the hell is Emma?**_ I ran back out towards the kitchen and seen the broken glass, fear taking over. I grabbed his phone and dialed zero, the building attendant answered swiftly.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, I am a friend of Emmanuel James, have you seen him?"

"He just left with his boyfriend. Passed out or something. I helped carry him down."

"To the squad?"

"To his car. His boyfriend drove him."

 _ **Boyfriend? Passing out? what the hell happened.**_ I pulled my phone to call Liv as my brain finally clicked.

"I'm calling the police. Lookout and send them up."

"But..."

"That wasn't his boyfriend. I'm getting the police." 

I took a breath as she answered, "Barba..."

"Emmanuel has been kidnapped. Te necesito aquí ahora. (I need you here now.)"


	9. Weirder than fiction pt.2

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

It was dark as I stirred awake. Head throbbing and as I reached for it, I felt it jerk back down. My eyes struggled to adjust but when they do, I see chains around my wrists and ankles.  _ **What the hell?! Why am I chained up?**_ I can see little drops of red above my eye, the right side blurring in and out so I closed that eye to steady myself.  _ **Think... Think about what happened. What happened to cause this? What do you remember?**_

I glance around the room, trying to piece everything together. Last thing I remember was walking into my apartment, this definitely wasn't my apartment. It was dark and kinda cold, very cool. I heard what sounded like machines running behind us, like a furnace.  _ **Why would it be a furnace? It's chilly down here, but an air conditioner wouldn't make it this cold nor would it work well... Basement. I'm in a basement.**_ I focus in on the area around me picking out what I could. Two solid walls around me and a set of bars. My head lifted to look closer, they weren't like prison bars. In fact, it was a grid pattern.  _ **Chain link fence? Basement of an apartment building?**_

Before I could shift and move about, I seen movement. John stepped up to the fence covered cell, hands lacing through making me jump back. 

_Hello Emmanuel. Don't be scared. I won't hurt you._

I blinked at him, Actually more of a wink since I only have one eye opened. He unlocked the door the long chain and lock being pulled away so he could step in. I lifted my arms only a little to shield the new light pouring in from his flashlight. He pushed them down.

_I am just going to clean the wound. I pulled it off when it soaked through._

I kept them down and let him dab and apply a creme to the spot, ceasing the blood dripping down my face. He then wiped the blood away and held my chin up to look at him like I wild be giving him googly eyes like a love struck teen.  _ **You gave me the wound! Why would I be grateful you cleaned it up!**_ He pulled back and sat down a sandwich and a drink cup.

_I don't want to hurt you Emmanuel. I only want you to love me as I love you. I want you to be better than the others._

_And if I'm not?_ I struggled to sign with the chains. 

_You will be, you have to be or else you go like the rest. But you feel differently. You feel like a real connection. You understand me so well._

I swallowed hard, eyeing up the man who was so nice before.  _ **Play along. Play along and by time for Raf and the others to find you. He would have to know something is wrong when I'm not at work or ans**_ _ **wering his phone calls.**_ I signed only one final thing before I let him go. 

_But you were a victim?_

_Was I? I faked it. All of it. I beat myself and sliced my skin open. A few stabs around vital parts to sell it more... It took a lot of studying before I made it work and well, my boyfriend couldn't date a victim so he was attacked later._

He said only a little more than stood and left. Chain and lock back in place, darkness filling in. He wasn't looking back at me and the food was so inviting. I took a bite and almost cried, it was my favorite sandwich from the coffee shop by the courthouse. The one me and Raf love so much and I will probably never eat again.

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

Police lights flooded the street, uniforms were going door to door asking for anything to help... And I sat on the hallway floor against the wall staring at the open door and small scene inside where the building manager talked. He explained what he remembered and I sat watching. Waiting. 

"Barba?" Liv came up, "What happened?"

"I came to check on Emma and he was gone. A bag halfway packed and broken glass on the floor. I called the building manager and he said his boyfriend was with him when he passed out and helped him down to a car."

My words came flooding out, I didn't process them or the squads face on the sixth word. I couldn't even remember it... But they did.

"Emma? Emmanuel is your Emma?" Amanda stopped.

"He did say most people call him Emma or Em." Sonny looked in the door.

"Does it matter? He doesn't have a boyfriend, he was packing to come to my apartment, and he wouldn't let just anyone in his home." I snapped at them.

"Ok, we're running point. Carisi, I want you to start a search on the street. All details on the man and vehicle. Cameras if possible. Amanda, take a look through the place and see what you can do with neighbors. Fin, building manager. Take another statement and make sure you get everything. All clothing color, vehicle and if the dude said or did anything." I glanced up as she pointed at me, "wait right here. I am going to take you home..."

"No." I looked at her with a stern face, "No, not till he's found."

"Fine, squad room." She offered a hand, "Let me talk to the lead and make sure we have priority then we go."

"But I could..."

"No." She cut in, "You can't help and I won't let you contaminate this case."

I nod, knowing she is right is what stung the most. If I help, if I prosecute, I damage the case. _**Not letting that happen, can't risk it. Why did I send him home? Why didn't I convince Liv we might need him and kept him close. Then I would be dead or injured on the floor and Emma missing... I know it.**_ I watched Liv talking a moment then she came back and walked me out. Alone in her car, she started what I hope she wouldn't. I didn't want to talk about him right now.

"Rafa, how long has this been going on."

"Liv..."

"It has to go on record. If we talk now then you can have more control before a camera is introduced." She glanced over then back to the road. 

"Camera?"

"I'm recording the statement, you know the tricks they'll use for it being an ADA and his temp he was sleeping with."

"Don't say it like that." I whispered, "No estábamos durmiendo juntos así. Es mucho más. (We weren't sleeping together like that. It is so much more.)"

"More?"

"I love him. From the moment I saw him really." I swallowed a lump, "Before Carmen introduced us. We were on the elevator together, I noticed him but brushed it off. When he turned up with Carmen as my temp... I couldn't ignore it."

"When did you two get physical?"

"Really don't want to say." I sighed with a blush.

"Rafa..."

"Less than a day and we were drinking. It was dark and late but, there was more connection..."

"Sex." Liv added, "you didn't make it past twenty-four hours before you took him to bed."

"It wasn't my plan, it just happened."

"What was the plan?"

"Drinks and talking."

"And that plan doesn't end in sex?"

I paused and shrugged, "It's a toss-up. I never try for it."

"Sure." She chuckled softly with me, "Just know we will find him. I promise."

Her words were true, I knew it. I just had to believe it would end well.

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

I ate slowly, making the food last. Little bites, trying to keep my mind steady and fluids in me. With the cup drained, I sat it by the door and sat against the makeshift cot bed. I pushed my hair back, wanting to see everything around me. If John came back, I wanted to see his movements and expression. I wanted to know if he tried to attack me, if I could talk him out of anything... If I had to give in.  _ **Survival... Just survive until they find me. They will find me.**_

The moment was broken by light pouring in, a long shadow stretching my way as I stared it down. I found a piece of string, tied my hair back the best I could with the chains and never lost eye contact as John came out of the shadows. He smiled and stood by the fencing. 

_Hello Emmanuel. Was the food good?_

_Yes. Thank you._ I sighed internally with a twitch and prayed it wasn't visible.

_Any requests for the next meal? I got you that Asian fusion food you liked. You ordered it a lot, they actually had it memorized._

I hate how calm and...and normal it is. He acts like this is normal and ok.  ** _He didn't kidnap the others, at least not for long._**

_You are different from the rest. I could tell the moment I saw you. Deaf and gay, a perfect match. You wouldn't hurt me like the others... Would you?_

**_I would kill you right now if I could. I would do anything to get back to Rafa and the world outside this hellhole._ **

_Never. You saved me from that world. From the bad people setting out to hurt me._

He watched slightly confused but pleased. I prayed he would let it go... Sadly it wasn't in his cards. 

_Did I? Shouldn't I be rewarded then? You keep space between us and I don't feel you my good friend. I feel the pretend man you play for them._

**_Ok... Now what? You've backed yourself in a corner, almost literally. How do you fix this?_** My heart raced and I could feel my face paling out with my horror sinking in.  _ **Oh, please don't.**_

_Emmanuel, will you reward me?_

_How?_

_By being with me._

There went every ounce I had left in me. I could fake it all or set a boundary. If I choose wrong, I die. _**No pressure in that now is there**_. 

 _No. Not yet._ I go for it all and pray he doesn't snap.  _Why rush it? All life ever is anymore is rushing. Every man I see just wants one thing and no one ever wants to build something first. I want to build something with you._

It felt like poison slipping down my throat. My skin pimpled up in the cold air and I almost cried at the way my body tried to betray me. It was struggling against me, trying to stay strong but giving away all the wrong signs.

_True. See, I knew you were the one._

He reached down to check my wound and stroke my cheek before sitting down a small container and drink. He left, relocking the gate holding me in this makeshift cell. I could smell the food and found my stomach growling, so I grabbed it and ate. No portioning and eating slowly over time, I pigged out.  _ **I don't know how long this will last. He will see through it eventually... I know it.**_

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

The squad sat in the bullpen. Almost twelve hours since I found him missing. Liv let me sit in but made it clear I shouldn't speak.

"What do we have?" She looked around as everyone filled in the details.

"No one heard or saw anything in the building."

"Uni's had nothing on the street except a description of the car from a few druggies. A little mixed but fairly decent." Carisi sighed, "a red honda, blue chevy, or a black ford truck."

"That's helpful." I grumbled.

"Wait, Fin, what do you have?"

 "What the councilor said. The manager got a call and came up to what he presumed was Emmanuel's boyfriend. He helped him down to his dark car and wanted to call nine one one but he shot him down. Gestured that he would drive him."

"Wait, gestured?" I looked up, "Did he say anything to the manager?"

"No."

I looked at Liv and she paused in thought. Amanda looked at Carisi, everyone starting to get the same idea.

"What does John drive?"

"Dark blue chevy. Early two thousand in there."

"Wait a minute, At the bar before people said he was already outside or first out the door."

"One person said he was already out there." Sonny sighed, "And one said he was told John ran out first."

"No one knew for sure, too much panic." Fin finished.

"John attacked a man at the bar to see Emmanuel?" Amanda shook her head, "It's a bit of a reach."

"No si hubieran tomado café antes. (Not if they had coffee before.)" I closed my eyes, "He said he had coffee with John after work the one day. He left when I called so we could spend time together..."

"When?" Liv turned to me.

"That night." I realized, "We made it home and then we got called in. John was a witness and Emma should be the translator."

"He wanted to break up your night." Carisi leaned forward, "But is it true?"

"It's unreal. If we believe this, we believe he almost killed himself." Fin pointed out.

"It has to be though." I whispered, "It would make sense."

"Nothing about this makes sense." Amanda pushed, "Why would he almost kill himself?"

"So he would be a victim and not a suspect." Liv looked at Fin, "What did the manager say about other people? Description?"

"Young man, a little older than Emmanuel. Short clean-cut hair on a young face, he said almost baby-like. Average height, well cared for clothes... He said he looked gay."

"That fits John." I feel a small tug of hope.

"He also said no one came in after Emmanuel and he took shift a half-hour before Emmanuel came home."

"John could've left here and walked in before the switch. Broke into his apartment and waited for him."

"This is crazy." Sonny sighed.

"But our vest option. I doubt if John isn't involved somehow." I gave the last push as Liv nodded. 

"Let's find him. I want financial records and property listings. Everything that can help us with this mess."

My body calmed down, heart-thumping normally as I finally felt like he was closer. Not in reach just yet but closer.


	10. Your worse nightmare

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

I sat up, the darkness coming close around me only to swirl before drifting off. As more of the room came into view with my eyes adjusting back to this darkness with only a small flickering light above me, I spot the far off door. After a day in here, I was getting an idea of where I was. 

_**It has to be a basement, door above leading down... The cages. This is almost like the storage cages in some buildings. No one except John has came down so it has to be locked or no one lives here. It's vacant.** _

I looked around, my hair had fallen in my face during the restless sleep full of nightmares. I re-tied it, pulling all hair from my face so I could look around and focus. Drawing a mental image of what this looked like down here and how I could escape without being able to move much further. The door opened, light cracked in and caused my eyes to try to readjust. By the time the door shut and I could see with the light gone, John was right at the door.

 _Hello Emmanuel, I brought breakfast._ John sat a bag down,  _I was hoping we could eat together today. Like a date._

 ** _Date? Come on, play along and keep it going. It will keep you alive... You will survive._** I nod gently and held in every word I wanted to shout at him, settling into the part. He opened the door and relocked it, smiling as he pulled out the food. This really was a date to him, this horror was somehow romantic in his head. He sat out a small container of eggs and toast, a coffee to-go cup, and then the same of his. His taste was very plain compared to Rafael who could be adventurous. He loved different food and trying new things but could keep a clean professional front to it... _**I love him.**_

_I hope this is good, I burnt the food at home and had to pick this up._

_It's fine, I promise._

I fake a smile, taking the container and drinking some of the coffee. It much too sweet, made my stomach hurt really but how could I tell John no. He is slightly erratic now and was murdering everyone before me, everyone that didn't fit the mold. I had to fit the mold. 

  _I was hoping you had an idea for lunch. Well, more like dinner. I have to chat with an old friend at lunchtime. But I did remember a treat for you._

He pulled a small container from the bag a d sat it to the side with a bottle of water. I was trying to hide the horror in my own mind at what it was.

_I didn't want to give you anything that could go bad from sitting out some. I made a lunch meat sandwich._

_ Thank you, that will do. _

My heart dropped as I seen him jump and look at his phone. He was very distraught looking at it and stood quickly. He merely waved and told me to eat his too, a sign that was surely bad.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

Liv did eventually get me to go home. It took a while and she drove me there, but I did go home. Walking into the empty apartment, looking over the vast room... It felt worse than the squad room.

"Home sweet home." I whispered, "Still not the same."

My eyes fall to a piece of paper left on the coffee table littered in books. It wasn't of my notes and Emma was always much neater... I looked around and walked over to the paper. Folded neatly, pressed firm and fine. I took a breath and lifted it up, then the breath escaped me.

** Mr. Barba **

Written very boldly and underlined,  something I rarely see anymore. My fingers nudged at the corner and slowly pulled it open to finish reading.

_** I have Emmanuel James. If you do not follow my instructions I will kill him.  ** _

  1. _**I want all police efforts to be halted.**_
  2. _**I want you to resign from your position.**_
  3. _**I want you to leave New York or I will claim you as one of my victims.**_



_** I have Emmanuel safely hidden, forever mine now. If you interfere I will end you. He wishes nothing of you and demands for you to stay away. You awful advances taking advantage of him in a weakened state.  ** _

_** -Burn in hell ** _

_** The broken heart rapist ** _

I felt my body go numb, hitting my knees in shock. Head spinning as I finally found my phone and brain, my fingers hitting the number quickly.

"Rafa..."

"Liv, he was in my home. He left me a note. A threat." I sat it down and sat against the couch but not on it.

"Stay right there, I'm coming up." I heard the door slamming in the background as the call drops. 

"What have I done?" I whispered and held my head, "What have I done?"

My feet flat to the floor, back arching into the couch. I couldn't breathe to save my life, right now... Right now I was barely alive and I knew it.  _ **He blames me? He says I am the one that did this to Emma... How? How did I do any of this?**_ The words rang in my head, pounding deeper with every second liv took getting up here. 

"Rafa!" Liv called and rushed in, my door unlocked to her.

She stopped by me but picked up the note as we waited for the squad and CSU. My personal life now open, they will know every detail. The only thing keeping me from screaming was the fact it might save him.

* * *

_**Olivia** _

* * *

After everyone arrived to go over the apartment, they didn't find any questionable traces. The squad was canvasing and I sent Amanda to hunt down John for questioning...I tagged along. Rafael was with some uniform officers at his office, safe from the world around us.

"I doubt he'll be home." Amanda opened the door for me.

"We have to start somewhere. If we get the building managers ok, we can do a minor search."

She gave a half-smile, not holding out hope. I couldn't blame her, I wasn't sure we could find John to question let alone Emmanuel.

 "Excuse me." I stepped up to a desk, "Lieutenant Benson and Detective Rollins, we're looking for a Joh..."

"John Denzer was thrown out last week." The man rolled his eyes. 

 "No, we were looking for a John Marcus. Deaf and kinda short..." I stopped as the man looked surprised.

"Him? Are you hereabout the Ex? He's been missing for over a week and still no cops came when he called."

"Missing?" Amanda whispered.

"Can you please take us up to his apartment? He didn't leave the apartment number."

The man leads them up and he pulled a string at the bottom of the door. After a moment of silence, he shrugged and turned to us. 

"He must be out."

"Is there any way you could let us in?" Amanda asked.

"Sorry, not without the tennant present."

"We just want to make sure he is ok. We've had a string of attacks and..."

"Ok." He nodded and unlocked the door.

We walked in and glanced around as he walked to check the bedroom. I was looking for anything that could've been used in a crime and hoping Amanda would too since we only had a minute or two before he would walk us out. No bat or knife that matched the description from a distance. No ropes, duct tape, or chains. Nothing looked off really until I saw it tucked under a piece of mail.  _ **That looks like the paper Rafa got.**_ The building attendant was coming back as I walked over and started to write after stuffing one in my pocket.

"He isn't home."

"I'll leave my work number here for him." I wrote it down, "If he could call us when he gets back. Just a wellness check and I will expedite the missing person file. You wouldn't happen to have a photo of..."

"Paul. And actually..." he trailed off as he pulled a photo of John and another man in time square, "I'll let John know I gave it to you."

"Thank you."

We walked out as Amanda looked at me, "Is that the paper the note was on?"

"Looks like it. I took the top page to see if we can match it based on the impressions." I got in the driver's seat and handed her the photo, "We have an unidentified victim right?"

"To badly beaten and decomposed to ID from a photo."

"Yeah, but we have him missing and John never reported it. See what we can find and maybe we can get a warrant for the home."

"You think he started with his boyfriend?"

"I think he has Emmanuel and we need to find him quickly." One last glance back at the building, "Besides, the building manager probably texted John to say we stopped by. They seemed friendly."

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

It was almost eight when John came back, he looked displeased. Preparing for the worse, I sat up on my makeshift bed and forced a grin. Tears held back on the edge, but holding firm for now.

_John. I've missed you!_

He looked at me cautiously, as if he could see through the lie. Dialing it back, I settled with a more easy-going feel knowing excitement may be to much.

_I never got to tell you what sounded good? I haven't had Pizza in a long while. That uptight suit doesn't find it good enough for him._

I pushed through the feeling of hurt. To say these things about Rafa was ridiculous let alone a lie. But if it kept John happy and me alive, I have to say it. I have to if I want to see Rafa again.

_You don't miss him? I thought you wou..._

_Why miss him when I have you. You are so much more than he will ever be._

He smiled at this, pleased greatly by my words. He reached out to touch me, my body didn't jump as expected. His hand cupped my cheek, holding me a second before stepping back. Fear was rising, biting it back to keep him calm.

_If you love me, you will say it. Say it out loud. Tell me everything I could ever want to hear._

_But you can't hear..._

_Say it. Say it for me. Please._

I looked at him confused but did as he wished. I did what I had to for my life.

"I love you, John. I'm sorry for teasing you with Barba. I loath that old man and his dirty hands, forcing me into things I could never want. Never want him."

John smiled and pulled me too him for a kiss, causing hesitation. I pulled back and shook my head, rushing to find reason for my actions and to cling onto the possibility of life.

_Please, we were taking it slow. You promised not to rush or force me._

_Kiss me now, then we'll go slow._

I wanted to pull away and scream. Shout for help and fight him off but what was the use. I was locked in with him. He was stronger since he has been keeping me chained and under fed...he would win. Against all judgment, I didn't pull away on his second try. My lips to his burned like a hellfire, no pleasure to be felt. The venom of touch seeped in and I pulled back as he smiled and lifted a phone. He tossed down some food and walked away after locking the door.  

_**What did I do? What did he make me do?** _

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I was sitting with Liv and the squad, the bullpen mostly empty. We were working on the case, me under protective custody by Liv personally. They had all victim files laying out and even what could be found of John's ex that went missing. Everything laid out, for me it was the worse moment. 

"He went missing before all the others and they never noticed?"

"No, they noticed but though John was handling it. All of it." Sonny shook his head.

"Why wouldn't anyone check? Someone else report it?" I spat and sat back as eyes moved to me.

It wasn't my words though, it was my phone. It had started to vibrate on the table. 

"You should answer that."

I glanced to Liv, "Why? It can't be important."

"Answer it." 

I picked it up to see an odd number. I answered it with eyes on me. Barely finding my own voice.

"Hello?"

There was a click then I heard heavy breathing, "I love you, John. I'm sorry for teasing you with Barba. I loath that old man and his dirty hands, forcing me into things I could never want. Never want him."

"Emma? Emma is that you?"

"Emma? Put it on speaker." Amanda asked.

He heard a scratch and tried again, "Emma. Can you hear me?"

I put it on speaker as the message played over again.  _ **He's deaf. He can't hear you. John is deaf. He can't hear you either.**_

"I love you, John. I'm sorry for teasing you with Barba. I loath that old man and his dirty hands, forcing me into things I could never want. Never want him."

The call dropped and I watched the phone disconnect. It went blank, turning off to the sleep mode as everyone stared at it. 

"Was that?"

"It sounded like a recording being played back."

"This is good, it means he's alive."

"He must've been forced..."

"He is after me." I whispered, "He doesn't like that I was with Emma."

Sonny leaned in, "You got the note basically calling for you to leave the city. You get a call in Emmanuel's voice saying everything to push you away..."

"Carisi." Liv glared, "Get a trace on the phone. Find me something on the number. Anything."

"Right away." The squad turned away as Liv took my arm.

"You, come to my office."

I pulled back and shook my head, "He said..."

"He said what would keep him alive. He didn't mean it." She got me into the office, "Don't let him win."

"I can't..."

"You can't let him win. Think about it."

 "I won't let him win." I looked at her, "I won't let him kill Emma."


	11. Obsession

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

As the new day came, I looked up to a small light. John sat on the steps, staring towards me. He seemed more neurotic than before, that touch of paranoia that twists his thoughts and plans. I was still hoping it was on my life but seeing his shadowy figure staring down at me, it wasn't too promising. 

I reached up and waved to him, slipping into the Stockholm syndrome he thinks I have. Well, either he thinks it's that or that I really just suddenly love him out of nowhere.  _ **He wouldn't be that stupid, would he? Are his delusions that far advanced?**_ My thoughts dissipated as I saw him approach.

  _John, I'm so glad to see you._

_Are you?_

I paused at his attitude.  _ **What did I do to deserve this treatment?**_ I slid back a little as it hit me.  _ **Either he knows or I really have started the decline into this syndrome.**_

_I am. I was thinking about our next meal, maybe chicken?_

_If there is one._ He broke the mood,  _I don't believe you are truthful. You almost put on a show when I'm here._

_ No act, I do care about you. I do like to see you. _

_**I like when you come around so you can give me tools to escape or to build a weapon to hurt you with. Anything to help escape this hell... Though I'm not sure why you haven't tossed me away like the others, beaten like an unwanted child. Left in the morgue gutted like the frogs from science class that we all hated to touch.** _

_I'm starting to think your like the others. You aren't special at all._

_But I do love you, John. I do trust you to take care of me and help me survive._

He looked me over, the hate seeping out around the fraying edges.  ** _The real John is coming out now._**

_Then why do you keep me away? You looked pained when I touched you._

_I swear..._

He turned away a moment then glanced back. I could tell what was coming, the crazed look evident as he grabbed the chain of the door. I jumped back again, hitting the brick wall and going numb a moment from the shock of pain.

 _Let me put it this way, you have till midnight to fix it. We make love or I take you like the others. Don't disappoint me... Don't be like the others._ He walked away after tossing a bottle of water at the fence,  _Drink up._

I caught it the best I could _,_ wiggling it through the interlinking chain so I could get a little of it.  _ **Not what I wanted. How do you escape this?**_

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I sat in the squad room, a room off to the side where all the evidence was up on the board and the squad was out working for more. Liv was in her office, silence sitting around me. looking at the past victim before and after meeting John, their family life and oh how much they had of one. Then was a picture of Emma. Hair loose as he laughed and was genuinely happy... Before he met me.  _ **He comes to work for me, I seduce him, I put him in danger... I'm the issue. John is right.**_

"Rafa, you should get out of your own head."

"Wish I could." I looked up, forcing a smile.

"Emmanuel will be fine."

"I hope." I nodded and held my head, "I know he will be. We will find him."

"Just hold in there." 

It was silent a moment as she took a chair only to have a knock break this moment. A uniform was knocking on the half-closed door, peeking his head around the corner to see us.

"Excuse me." He paused for our attention, "Mr. Barba, package for you."

"Me? Here?" I raised a brow.

Liv got up and took the envelope from the officer. Urgent was written across the front and a seal was on the lip. She looked it over and noticed no address.

"It isn't addressed. How did it get here?"

"Personal messenger brought it up to our desk..."

"Call down and stop him. I need to question him." She sat it down and I lifted it up.

The uniform ran for the elevator and another called down, Liv turning to me as I ripped it open. She reached out but I had already tipped it and shook out the paper. A small flash drive hit the table and bounced as a slip of paper drifted down. It was fitting just inside my palm, a sliver of scrap paper.

> ** _Remember, I gave you a chance._ **

I sat it down as she pulled my hands away, "We should leave it alone. We can have it tested."

"What's on the flash drive?"

"After they..." 

I reached for it, she slapped my hand away. We stared each other down a moment as another came in in gloves and picked up both against my words.

"I need that drive."

"After the lab prints it. Or while even." She pulled her keys as the officer handed her two bags, "Ride along?"

"The errand boy?" 

"I'll question him." Fin walked in with the boy ahead of her, "Let you know if he knows anything."

I gave a small smile and chased her down the way, all the way to the car. We were going to the crime lab, rushing through and standing over them. We made them go faster and faster on printing so we could plug in the drive. Every minute felt like hours and the weight of the world rested on my shoulders.  _ **We should've looked immediately. It could be a clue, his last words... I can't think that. I can't believe that.**_

"Ok, no good prints. Let's plug it in."

My eyes went wide and I followed him like an unwanted shadow. One press in and we all went silent. A link came up, it leads to a camera view of a basement. Just when we were about to ask why this dark basement view, I see a flash and make out a figure.

"Emma?" I lean in and point to the spot.

"Is someone there?"

"There is." I pointed to his spot when we see him stand and lean on the chains.

He stood up and was clear on camera. My breath caught and Liv looked closer as they tried to track the camera. No sound, little light, and a little static blurring the view. He looked ok but who knows when this was or if he is now.

"It's live." The tech said surprised, "I can't trace the feed but I can clean it up."

"Send us a link of the cleaned-up loop. I want it playing in the bullpen with all men on it." Liv ordered and pulled me back, "Come on, we have a lead."

She had to tug a little harder, I didn't want to walk away. I wanted to keep eyes on him as the note rang in my ears.  ** _Remember, I gave you a chance._**

* * *

**_Carisi_ **

* * *

Amanda and I walked into the bullpen to see the TVs playing a feed of a basement. I happen to catch the shape of Emmanuel before asking what it was. She stopped beside me as Lieu came out.

"A package with a flash drive gave us this link. It's live feed of Emmanuel."

"Where's Barba?" I glance over noticing he wasn't around.

"He is in my office watching on a laptop." She nodded back to the office, "I'm hoping he passes out at some point and gets some sleep."

"How is he?" 

"How would you be?" She asked back.

We all went silent before glancing at the screen. As if all thinking the same thing, that something would magically show where he was being held. It didn't, but we all knew what came next.

"Rundown his financials and all properties. I want anywhere he could be holding him." Liv turned away, "Past residents, old jobs... Everything."

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

left alone in Liv's office as the hours passed slowly, I kept eyes on Emma. They way he stood favoring his left foot and always propped up the right when he did sit told me it was injured somehow. He didn't sit often, he was too paranoid to do so. His jerky movement said it all.  ** _I put him there. I did this to him._**

"Hey Rafa, sure you don't want food?"

"I'm fine." I brushed it off.

"This isn't fine. This is barely alive."

"I can't go home without an escort and guards. If I leave here I feel like I'm abandoning him."

"You're not abandoning him, you are helping yourself. You have to think of yourself if you want to survive." She knelt beside him, "You are no help in this shape."

"What if I sleep here?"

She stood and smiled, "Use the blanket. I will wake you when we have something." 

I nodded and shifted to sleep, she moved my laptop to a small stand and shut it. Giving up to the heavy lids, I fell asleep in mere seconds. Last thing I seen and heard was the light going off and her door shutting.

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

I shifted to lean back on the wall, my back feeling the cold brick. I kiss my inner bicep, applying pressure to get a hint of pain... _**Pain confirms this is real and I really need it to be a nightmare as I wake up next to Rafa.**_ It was real, too real.

I scanned the room before pulling out the little notebook I found nearby. It was wedged under the fence with a bunch of dust-covered art tools. I know I can't escape with it, but I can stay sane with it. I started writing in it to keep my wits, to keep me away from John somehow.

> _I don't know how long I've been here... I think John drugged my food. I fell sleep and it felt like years I was asleep. It wasn't right. But then again, I am losing my mind. John hidden me away and started playing games with my head... I don't think I'll leave here alive._

I closed the book and slipped it back under before lifting my foot up on the pillow he gave me. I twisted it when moving away from John last time, it hurt a lot and now it swells up. Nothing felt good anymore... Nothing felt well, anything. I am starting to feel nothing at all.

* * *

_**Olivia** _

* * *

 "Hey, Lieu." Carisi called over to me, "Got something."

"What?" 

"There is an old apartment building in his father's name. I have an address." He handed me the sheet.

"Ok, is someone checking it out?" 

"Waiting on your word."

"Go." I ordered, "ESU needs to be waiting and I want a full scan of the building."

"Coming?" Fin paused as I turned to my office.

"I need to stay."

They bolted out calling and setting everything up. I focused on the office, heading to the door and holding my breath a moment. Pushing in, I check on Rafa and move the laptop to check. Emmanuel was sitting on a cot against the wall.

_**I need to wake him up... I have to tell him.** _

I sit on the edge of the couch and nudge him awake softly, "Rafa."

"Liv?" He grumbled and slowly rolled over to look at me through tired eyes.

"We have a possible lead on Emmanuel. I sent the squad to check it out."

"You stayed behind? Deberías ir. No te preocupes por mi. (You should go. Don't worry about me.)"

"It's probably nothing."

"You should go." He nodded, "Call me after."

I nodded and left him as he rolled over to keep sleeping. It wasn't the reaction I wanted but I hope he heard me. Just in case, I stopped by the desk.

"ADA Barba is sleeping on my couch. If he wakes up, keep him here unless I call to tell otherwise."

I ran out to catch them at the building. If he said go, I can't stay here.

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

By the time I looked away from my hands holding my legs, John was back. He looked down on me from the door, a dark stare meeting my eyes. He tipped his head, studying me, eyeing me like meat.

_What have you decided to do?_

I don't answer, just look at him as he shook his head.

_So it will be that way? Ok._

A glimmer of light caught my eye, a knife sliding out from behind John. Every inch of me screamed, begging to his deaf ears as my back found the bricks again.

"Help! Help me! Please! Anyone! Help!"

He chuckled and stepped in, blade first. I screamed at the top of my lungs, feeling helpless. They were falling on only our deaf ears, my hopeless scream on our deaf ears.

"John no!"

He stepped up and pinned me to the mattress. Tears streaming down my face as I continue to scream. A punch to my face, a second to the gut, a third to my temple and my vision blurred but my mouth was still open. Still screaming. My body shut down, head spinning with no fight. He was ripping off my clothes and I couldn't fight him off. A sharp pain pounded in me, ripping me open as my body blacked out.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I woke up, finding an empty room. Vaguely remembering something about a lead, I reached for my phone with no calls. Reaching out, I pull at the laptop and opened it as my eyes went wide. I expected to see Emma there, now... Now I see John standing over him with a knife. 

"Emma!" I sat up as I saw what was happening.

John had him unconscious under him. I wanted to slam the laptop shut but couldn't, light came from off-screen then I saw a knife at Emma's throat. The panic raised as Red dribbled out... 


	12. Breathing

* * *

**_John_ **

* * *

The knife grazed his neck as blood trickled out. I applied more pressure as guns were on me, I could feel it. I wouldn't look away to verify it, I wanted to see Emmanuel fade out like the men before. Blood trickling down from the slash across his throat, his eyes stilling and breath lost... His life-ending.  _ **I thought you were different. I thought you were the one! You, I thought you were my true love. Why do you have to be like them?!**_ My teeth bared and anger overloading my body... I was destroying myself. 

A light flashed on me and I knew they would be yelling, they always did even if I couldn't hear. A bullet pierced my shoulder and the blade fell free. I gave a cackle like what I imagined to be some kind of villain to them, knowing they would never see me as the hero I was. Another went through my lower back, this pain searing into me like when my father used to slap me. I still wouldn't look away from him, the bastard was out of it. His death would be painless in this unconscious state, a feeling of nothing taking him over. 

Another hit my spine, I was sure of it as I hit the edge of Emmanuel before falling to the floor. The room was spinning and I could taste the blood forcing it's way up my throat. As I started to choke, the light came over me and the knife was kicked away. I barely made out the face of the cop, cold eyes falling on me as a set of paramedics came rushing in.  _ **And this is the end.**_ The sting faded and so did I.

* * *

**_Olivia_ **

* * *

I was staring down at John as the paramedics tried to steadied Emma. They have him at the moment, carrying him out as I barely heard screaming of orders and directions. My mind drifted a second till Sonny grabbed my arm.

"Lieu, he's bad. We need to get Barba."

"Yeah, now... Let's go."

I glanced down at John one last time before walking away. The thoughts racing as I hand Sonny the key.

"You drive."

"You ok lieu?" He glanced over.

"I don't know." I answered truthfully, "Let's get Barba. We should all be there for Emma."

He paused a moment, turning the key after a short pause. No one really wanted to say it out loud but we all felt it, the guilt building. I opted to call the station and have a uni drive him over as we chased the ambulance.  _ **Please be ok.**_ We arrived just after him, stopping in the waiting room as we see Rafael running in.

"Emma?!" 

"He just went back." I caught him, "He was still there on the drive over, holding on like a fighter."

"I saw... John... Emma's throat."

"He did, he's dead. Three shots... But Emma is alive." 

"Emma is struggling but he will pull through." Sonny added as Fin and  Amanda rushed in.

"How is he?"

"Hanging on." I looked over, "how did this happen?"

"Estábamos ciegos a lo obvio. (We were blind to the obvious.)" Raf sat down and rub his palms down his face, "He tricked us."

"He stabbed himself to become a victim and not a target." Fin nodded, "Smart move."

"How did he lock on him? What was it about him?"

"He was gay, deaf, and kind. The perfect victim." Raf closed his tear dripping eyes. 

Everyone looked down and left all thoughts in their head.  _ **Why didn't we see it? Was it simply he was the victim? No, his wounds were deep and heavy, why would he have done it to himself?**_

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I sat in the corner, cries and screams all around with coughing in the mix. Kids running around, nurses trying to move people around for treatment. My hands covered my face as I tried to calm my nerves, try to compose myself. Liv sat down with me, close but not touching so she could help comfort me. The squad was nearby but not coming in close, they didn't want to make it worse.

"It's been an hour, they should know something by now." I whispered.

"Soon Rafael." She patted my knee.

"Emmanuel James?" A doctor called out as the squad turned and I swing around to see him, "are you the family?"

"Colleagues..." Liv was cut short as I stepped forward, "Boyfriend."

"We have him stable. He isn't out of the woods by far but he is in reach." I let out the breath I was holding as the doctor explained more to the squad, "The cut was deep enough to cause internal jugular, tracheal and esophageal damage. He lost a lot of blood and we struggled to find a pulse for a while."

"What are we talking here?" Amanda looked up, "The outlook of treatment..."

"One step at a time. We fixed the bleeding but we are still working on the blood loss and assessing the full range of injury here."

"When can we see him?" Liv stepped in for me as my mind wasn't letting me speak.

"Soon hopefully. We need to monitor him just a little longer to make sure he doesn't need another surgery, half-hour or so, then you can come back. Two at a time."

As the doctor left, I found myself feeling slightly worse than before. I haven't seen him yet, I only have word of his wellbeing right now. After seeing the attack, seeing John being shot and cops running in to help while I was stuck watching from a live feed. 

"Carisi, Rollins, I need you two to go back to the scene and canvas. There are still possible victims missing and no bodies." She turned to Fin, "Go back to the bullpen. Help however you can and cover for me."

"You should go..." My words weak and quickly shot down.

"No. You need a friend and I am not leaving you alone right now." She stared me down so I knew she wouldn't budge, "Go."

The squad took off and Liv went to get his emergency contacts. She would call for the hospital, nothing out of the ordinary when it was a police issue first. They were passing the information and I just sat still watching in a fog. Emma's photo of us on my phone kept lighting up on the background, leaving me to stare at us what was only a few days ago but felt like years.

* * *

_**Olivia** _

* * *

I was on the phone, listening to the ringing as I watched Rafa on the corner chair. He kept looking to his phone, staring with a longing look that made me guess it was a picture of Emma.

"Hello?" 

"Yes, this is Lieutenant Olivia Benson with the New York police department. I am calling about your son Emmanuel James..."

"Oh no, Is he ok? What happened?" The woman started to panic.

"He is in the hospital right now. I do not know of his condition besides he is stable."

"Where is he?"

I gave the information and the nurse slid me the room number, letting me know we could go back when I was done. I didn't hear another sound as the line went dead.

"Rafa." I waved him over as a nurse lead us back.

"Ok, I must warn you. We have him in a medically induced coma due to the extent of the surgery. He should be able to hear you if you talk to him, but he can't talk back."

I bit my lip trying not acknowledged the mistake and I saw Rafa tip his head. She lead us through to an ICU room and left us alone by the door. His hands didn't reach for the door and I didn't want to rush him.

"Rafa?"

"Am I a bad person for saying I really don't want to see him like this." His tears sparked up.

"If you don't want to..."

"I have to. I can't leave him alone... I need to see him breathing, to see he is alive..."

"Rafael, he is right behind that door. If you can't open it, I can. Or, well, we could go back to the waiting area if need be."

"I have to go in."

I stepped back and watched as he slowly opened the door and stepped in before his face was broken again. They had a tube in his throat breathing for him, his neck was all gauzed and braced, his face pale and two machines beeping steadily. One showing his weak but steady on an uprise pulse and his blood pressure that mimicked the earlier. The other machine was transfusing the blood in slowly to stop any form of shock from kicking in. The third machine was quiet except for a small huff and hiss as it filled his lungs and sucked it out.

"You can..."

He stepped in further, my words not being heard by my friend obviously. He grabbed a chair and sat beside the bed staring at the monster that lied their instead of our friend. He could play any half-robot cyborg with the way he was being kept right now... Barely alive.

"Emma? Oh god, what did he do to you?" He whispered before taking his hand in his own.

His body hunched over, hand tight to the other. I glanced back at the door and then to him.

"I'm going to check with the doctor. Get as much info as possible before his family gets here."

I stepped out and caught the doctor, making sure I got all of it. The part he left out was the amount of blood he lost and the swelling and bruising to the vocal cords. They were cut a little, causing concern but he didn't want to bring it up to family yet. 

"He is going to be in the hospital on watch for quite a while." 

"Thank you." I let him walk away before turning towards the window into the room.

 _ **This isn't happening. Not to Emma or Rafa... They don't deserve this.**_ I had barely reached for the door when a nurse caught me. She was leading the family over to the consultation room, letting me talk to them before they see him. 

"Hi, I'm lieutenant Benson..."

"You're the one that called. Is Emmanuel ok?"

"He is stable. He was attacked and suffered a severe injury..."

"I want to see him!" The woman started to the door when the man stopped her. 

"Just give it a moment." He pushed, "we will see him."

"He may not have a minute." She squirmed.

"Mary stop." He hugged her to him, "She is helping us. Preparing us for what he is like now."

"He is hooked up to several machines and has extensive bandaging on his throat."

"His throat? They cut his throat?" She started to cry, "Who would do this?!"

"We have the man responsible..."

"I hope he dies!" She screamed and started to collapse as The husband caught her.

"He is." I interject, "He died in the police raid."

It went silent a moment, leaving them all to think before the dad broke in, "I knew we should've made his move back home after the accident. This city is too big for a man on his own, especially with his disability."

The teenage girl that was watching the single-digit age kids lifted up one and hugged the other. The dad hugged the woman closer and kissed her head.

"In a moment you can see him, I just have a question for you first." I hesitated in asking but knew pulling Rafael out of the room and hiding this relationship wouldn't help any, "You do know your son has a boyfriend right?"

"What?" She froze.

"Emmanuel has a Boyfriend?" The man asked.

"Yes." The girl said from behind, "It's only been a few weeks but they were serious. I wanna say he called him Rafa or Mack or something like that?"

"Rafael. He is in the room with him right now." I glanced to the couple, "I hope you will let him stay. He has been here the whole time for your son."

The couple looked at each other but didn't say a word. The girl moved the two kids with her towards the room. I lead them to the door, his parents in tow as I stopped and opened the door slowly. 

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I sat beside the bed, hands wrapped around Emma's chilled hands. His throat covered in gauze among other things, reminding me of an old ghost story about a girl with a ribbon around her neck.  _ **You probably would find that amusing.**_ Before anything could happen more, the door opened and I see a small group of people coming in.  _ **Two older adults, high end teenager, two little kids... His family.**_

"Hello." The girl started, "You must be Rafael. Emma talked about you a lot."

"And you must be his family." I gave a soft smile.

"I'm Cora, the younger sister. This is Sarah and Michael, the niece and nephew at almost four... And behind me is my parents, Lucy and Mark."

I gave a small chuckle, "Nice to meet you all."

"You too." Cora smiled and brought the kids over to see their uncle for a small hug.

"Why did you chuckle?" The mom asked.

"Mom." She snapped.

"Sorry, your name is Lucy and well, my mom is Lucia. That's one he hadn't told me yet." I glance at his still face, the little kids hugging him before curling up in the corner.

"How much had you two shared?" Mark asked as Cora scrunched her nose.

"Dad, please." She whispered, "We are here for Emma."

"I should go." I stood and slowly kissed his cheek as she reached out for me.

"No, please stay..."

"No please go." Lucy pushed.

I slowly let go of his hand and walked out, my head down to hide tears. Liv was waiting just outside the door, her head dipped before she patted my back. No words needed as she slowly moved me to the waiting area, knowing I wouldn't leave him completely but I needed the space. She stopped by the door and turned back before finally speaking.

"I should go. Paperwork and all." She sat a coffee cup at my feet, "I'll check in later."

"Thanks, Liv."

I sat in the small room, looking at my feet and out the large window to the courtyard. Few people cane and went, many waiting to see their loved ones, a few were removed due to coding... Eventually, I dozed off and woke up to a blanket over my shoulders by a nurse. 

"Emma... I'm sorry." I sighed thinking the room was empty.

"Don't be, you stayed even after they pushed you out." I turned to see Cora, "Speaking of which, I'm sorry my parents tend to be ignorant."

"That isn't your burden, but thank you."

"They have left for the moment. A couple hours sleep for them and the kids." She offered her hand, "He would want you there."

I took her hand and stood up slowly, "Your parents won't like this."

"They didn't think my sister would get hooked on prescription drugs, get pregnant. They accepted Emma being gay only because they lost her and didn't want to lose him... The age part is what throws them off." She offered a styrofoam cup, "Emma said you like the Cuban coffee."

"Thank you." I smiled, "I didn't want to cause problems."

"They aren't here to make problems, come on."

She lead me back to the room and gave me the seat by Emma. I took his hand and whispered in his ear, softly but sincerely.

"I'm sorry I left. Just wanted to keep the peace for you." I brushed his long locks from his face as I leaned back just a little to speak out loud, "I love you."

I heard a small sniffle and looked to Cora, "Sorry, I just see what he says about you."

"Hmm?"

"He says your very loving and strong, hard work ethic and willing to fight for anything that is good." She smiled, "He loved that about you."

"He seems to tell you a lot." I blushed.

"Yeah, we talked all the time. After my sister went missing and he came out to my parents, we kinda grew closer. He was in New York with our family friend always calling and texting me."

 "He talked about you vaguely, never giving a lot of detail. I figured he was just protecting you."

"He's good about that." She smiled, "So, you're a lawyer."

"ADA in the sex crimes bureau." I smiled, "I believe he said high schooler?"

"Senior. Graduating with honors and a scholarship." She smiled, "He tutored me to make sure I did well."

"What scholarship?"

"Right now, I'm looking at Harvard or Yale right now. Both sent me acceptance letters." 

"Really?" I nodded, "If you don't mind my bias, Harvard is a better choice."

"Fan?"

"Alumni." I glanced to Emma, "Full ride for the law school."

"Emma always did have good taste." 

She sat down across from me, opening up conversation on anything from schooling to Emma and so on.  _ **If only he could see and hear this, his favorite people getting along.**_ I squeezed his hand as we spoke, learning so much more than I ever could imagine about him. It was amazing until her phone dinged.

"My parents are on the way back."

I kissed Emma's head, "I'll be back soon enough."

I left the room as she promised to let me know when they left again. It wasn't what I wanted, nor what he would, but I will definitely let it go if it kept the peace.  _ **No stress needed right now.**_


	13. Don't go

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

I curled up on a love seat, managing a small nap before a nurse dropped off a coffee and asked me to please get some food. _ **I guess the nurses know the situation now.**_ I sipped the coffee and went to the cafeteria for a sandwich, sitting back in the loveseat that looked more like a war zone with the mess around it. Before I could attempt to clean it up, my phone buzzed and I answered.

"Hello?"

"Rafi, estás bien? Su oficina dijo que estaba de permiso personal. (Rafi, are you ok? Your office said you were on a personal leave.)" She fired off rapidly.

"I'm ok Mami, al menos físicamente bien. (at least physically ok.)" 

"Qué significa eso? (What does that mean?)" I could hear the sympathy in her voice over the phone.

"Sorry I haven't really told you yet, éramos tan nuevos y no quería apresurarme. (we were just so new and I didn't want to rush it.)" I sighed, "My boyfriend, I met a man Mami."

"Un hombre? Oh, Rafi ... Qué pasó mi dulce niño? (A man? Oh, Rafi... What happened my sweet boy?)" She froze and all sound around her ceased.

"It's a long story, Estoy en el hospital ahora mismo esperando verlo. (I'm at the hospital right now waiting to see him.)"

"Have you ate? Iré a por tu hijo. (I'll be right over for you son.)"

"Mami you don..." The clicked ended the need to finish my statement.

I sat down a moment and took a bite of the sandwich before spitting it out and tossing it away. My heart ached at the thought of going down for different food or ordering out only to have his parents leave so I could see him. The thought was enough to stall my growling stomach, pushing down hunger as I waited. Luckily, the nurses did take pity on me in the form of updates.

"Mr. Barba?" A blonde nurse slipped in, "Mr. James is doing good. His vitals are strong and the doctor is looking at slowly waking him up to test his reaction. If he reacts well to the injuries and doesn't seem like a risk, he can stay awake."

"Thank you." I forced a smile.

"Someone will let you know the minute you can see him." She assured me before leaving again.

 _ **Hopefully soon. I need to see for myself right now.**_ The room remained quiet with no one else around, I almost think the nurses moved them to the other room on purpose so they wouldn't bother me... It was appreciated. I soaked in the deadly silence, before hearing the door open yet again.

"Rafi? Oh mi hijo. (Oh my son.)" Mami walked in holding a small coffee and a bag of fruit. 

"I'm sorry Mami." I whispered softly.

"Don't be sorry, Espero conocerlo cuando pueda. (I look forward to meeting him when I can.)" She handed me a small coffee cake she hid under the fruit.

"Thank you, Mami." I took a small bite, feeling my stomach slowly calm from its panic tumbling inside.

"You wanna tell me about this man. O simplemente qué pasó? Tengo tiempo antes de la escuela para visitar y consolar a mi hijo, Rafi. (Or just what happened? I have time before school to visit and comfort my boy, Rafi.)" She sat down in the chair angled towards mine.

"His name is Emmanuel, he was my tempt secretary while Carmen was on maternity leave." I smiled at the memory, "It was the next day after meeting him, his first day alone, I offered to get a drink and we just started talking... I wouldn't change a moment of it."

She smiled and waited around me eating as I explained what happened. The kidnapping, attack, hospital, and his family. Her hand reached out to rub my back, hiding tears from her as she took the coffee and set it down.

"Debería entrar allí y tirarlos. (I should go in there and throw them out.)"

"Mami..."

"No está bien. El hecho de que sean ignorantes no debería evitar que estés con él. (It's not right. Just because they are ignorant it shouldn't keep you from being with him.)" I bit my lip as the tears broke the rim of my eyes, the salty offenders flowing down my cheeks.

One hand pulled me in as I cried, soothing me as the weights fell and I broke. I wanted to be with him, holding his hand and watching him. Seeing his eyes open, his mouth panting for air as he reached out for me. I wanted to be there for him, I needed to be there. She just held me and soothed me until it felt better for a moment. She left the bag on the small table, pulling away and handing him the coffee.

"Rafi, everything will be fine. Lo verás pronto, solo termina el café y limpia tu cara. (You'll see him soon, just finish the coffee and clean up your face.)" 

"Love you to Mami." I gave a small smile.

"Love you Mijo (son)."

As she left, I finished the coffee cake and took a deep breath. She was right, it will work out soon enough. Before I could do more than wipe up the crumbs and thank her silently for slipping a clean shirt under the food as well, a nurse stepped in.

"Excuse me, Mr. Barba?"

I froze as I was packing away the small mess, "Yes?"

"They left a minute ago. The daughter Cora asked me to fetch you."

"Thank you." I tossed the sheet over the bag and ran down to the room.

Two steps in, my heart skipped a beat as I see the mess from before. The bandages clean but heavy, eyes closed with small cuts around them, a little bruising where it could be seen. Strangely, this time I could really see the damage and pain he is in. 

"They went for food in the cafeteria, you should have a half hour or so. The nurse lied and said they couldn't eat in here."

"Thank you." I walked over and sat next to him, "Thank you so much."

"Don't worry about it. I know he wants you here." 

I took his hand, kissing it softly as I looked over his face. In my head, every cut was erased. No bruise to color his sweet skin and his kissable lips. He was the exact way he looked at the bar, a little bit like in my bed as I reached for his matted hair. The same hair he joked about braiding for work.  _ **This is you, this is how I will always see you. Not what he made, what you are.**_

"Rafael, Thank you for being here. I know most people wouldn't be able to..."

"It's ok. Keep the peace and all." I leaned in and untangled a small piece of hi hair on the side before looking at his wrist for a hair tie, "Do you have a band?"

She pulled a hair tie from her bag and I carefully pulled his hair back, get the few strays to lay back as I ran a finger through it like so many times before. He looked more like him now, that messy mop shoved back wasn't what he would like. I kissed his forehead and counted to ten before pulling back as the machine saw a small skip in the heartbeat.

"He knows it you." She smiled.

"Of course he does, I wouldn't leave him and he knows that." I sniffled and started to sit again as I reclaimed the hand I had let go off a moment ago.

"Why are you here?" A male voice broke through.

"Dad, I thought you were getting lunch." Cora stammered.

"Get out of this room." 

I felt the twist in my gut but slowly moved for the door as I was stopped in my tracks. My hand loosened just a little after a squeeze, now it was being squeezed and not giving it. My eyes widened as I turned around and seen him slowly open his eyes.

"Wr..." He tried but winced as the monitors started beeping. 

"Emma don't speak." I moved right back in beside him, "Not now."

"Emmanuel, mommy is here." She tried to push me aside but Emma held on to me and stayed strong there as she recoiled and went to the other side.

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

My eyes stung as they opened, the light blurring in as they adjust. The hand I squeezed was more masculine, that little bit of thick fingers like I recognized in Raf. I held tight as my eyes finally let me see him. It was still hazy around the edges but I could see him now.

"Wr..." My throat tightened as air escaped and I felt almost like I was suffocating before I even coughed with a strong wince.

"Emma don't speak." He moved right back beside me so I could see his lips, "Not now."

His face was a little blotchy like he had been crying a little bit ago, his eyes glued to me as I could only imagine what nightmare I looked like. The bags under those gems, however, told me he hadn't really slept and his shirt looked clean and crisp but his pants were on multiple day use.

I didn't even look away when my mother tried to push in beside him. Her lips moved but I wouldn't look away from him. She bolted for the other side but I couldn't have cared less, I love my family but Rafa was there. He cared that much for me. She took my hand on the other side but I couldn't look away until she pulled my hand.

"My boy, oh what did he do?" She stroked my cheek.

I opened my mouth but stopped as Rafa covered it.  _ **Don't speak. Throat pain. No speaking.**_ I push into his hand a moment and pulled my hands to me, trying to motion for paper and pen. My dad was getting a doctor and my sister handed me a dry erase board and marker.

** What happened to John? **

Everyone looked confused, everyone except Rafa who mouthed the words I assumed since no one else seemed to hear him. His lips moving fast so my mom didn't stop him.

"He died. Shot down after he attacked you."

My breath was lost in that moment, little bits in my brain bringing back those final moments. I gripped the board and felt my chest restrict and head pound as everyone moved back with nurses and a doctor rushing to me. The last clear sight I could see of them was my niece and nephew crying as my mom slapped Raf. 

The pain tripled over as they worked to sooth my rhythm back to normal. Each flash giving way to more memories flooding in. At one point, I was outside my body and I could hear that maniacal laughter I remembered from John. His words playing back about how I was to be his... The way he recorded me...

My eyes opened and I gasped hard as they held my throat a certain way to cushion the pain. The doctor rechecked me, the nurses changing bandages before they stepped out to speak to my family. I caught the arm of one and pointed to the board, my head getting light and my senses fighting the sleep they were giving me. I wrote fast as sleep was now winning the fight.

**Rafa**

The nurse read it and turned to another that leaned in.

"You want Mr. Barba?"

I nod slightly before the pain jumped in the movement and I went under.  _ **Please, please, pleeeaaaseee... Please, Rafa, stay.**_

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

The moment we made it out the door as the staff flooded in to help him, his mom snapped, "What the hell did you say?!"

"The truth." I stood still as her hand slammed into my face, flat and wide to send me backwards and put me against a wall.

Security ran over and pulled her back, separating the parents and young kids as his sister went to calm them. A nurse checked on me but no words escaped before another nurse pulled me towards the door. She motioned me in as screaming came from beside me.

"Don't let him in there!"

"The patient asked for him by name." A nurse shut the door, "Sorry about that, he wrote your name down. He wanted you here but we had to put him under."

"Is he ok?"

"Vitally, yes. Emotionally, we can't tell. When he wakes up again, we'll try to see where he is at."

"Honestly, how is he?"

"Alive. He survived the easy part, now comes the hard part." She patted my shoulder and left me alone with Emma sleeping.

 _**This is my fault... I caused this. All of this. The family attacking me, sneaking in to see him... I did this.**_ I sat down in the larger chair, leaning back and watching him asleep again. His chest barely moving, eyes closed tight... I leaned up and took his hand before curling up in the chair as a nurse left my small bag just inside the door.  ** _I'm sorry Emma... I'm sorry._**


	14. Wake me up inside

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

I felt like yawning but my mouth didn't move to do so, a strong strap held it in place. I figured this out by reaching up to touch it, then I felt the hard plastic that was formed around my neck. It didn't feel hard around my neck, but I felt it reaching up.  ** _My neck is braced in place._** I started reaching for my neck only for a hand to slowly pull my hand down.

"They didn't want your head moving in your sleep."

I watched his lips then his eyes, _**Rafa stayed.**_ He stroked my hair back, his eyes almost twinkling as if this was a good thing.  _ **It is a good thing you're alive. He is probably relieved to see you awake.**_ My lips curled and I start to speak only for the pain to pierce through. 

"Don't speak, the doctor said it could make it worse." I reached up again and he pushed it down, "Please don't, I can't imagine the pain but you can't."

I must've started tearing up because he wiped it away and hit the nurse button. He kissed my cheek and took my hand as a nurse came in. She smiled and looked over the machine before calling for the doctor. He walked in and lifted the board, looking over the chart and slowly looking up.

"Mr. James, I don't know how much you remember but you had your throat cut. It was deep enough to reach your vocal cords. We have you patched up but you can't speak for a while, keep stress off the chords until we set up your speech therapy to work through it." He handed him aboard, "I do have a few questions if you don't mind."

I took the board and marker waiting for him to start. He looked at Rafael and asked him to leave for a second, to which I grasped for his hand. His green orbs turned back and he kissed the hand before speaking.

"I'll be right outside the door. Let him ask them and I will come right back in." He slowly let go, "I'm not leaving for long."

When the door shut, the nurse only working on small things and administrating medicine allowed the doctor to talk to me. It started how I feared it would.

"Do you feel safe around him?"

**Yes**

"Are you married or related?"

**No. Dating.**

"Do you feel safe around your family?"

**Yes**

"Do you understand why I am asking this?'

**I vaguely remember yelling? Maybe a fight?**

"Yes. The security had to separate your family and boyfriend. If you feel safe with both, we will allow you to choose who you want in here but we ask that they don't be here at the same time." He looked at the chart, "Do you have any pain?"

**Not Really, just a little.**

"Scale of one to ten?"

** 4 **

"Good, the pain medication is helping then. I'm sure no one has explained the situation really, but you are fine. We repaired everything and now comes the waiting game. Letting your body continue to heal and process this fix on its own." He sat down, "The only thing is we ask you not to use your vocal cords, so no speaking. They had damage and until we get you set with therapy for it, it would be best to hold off."

He nodded to the nurse and they let Rafael back in, his hand taking mine immediately and never loosening up as he continued to speak about me. The doctor explained more of the injury and gave a rough idea of how much time it would take before being released. When he left, I took my hand back to write to Rafa.

**John is dead.**

I didn't phrase it as a question, he had already told me. I just wanted to confirm it wasn't a delusion in my head. He looked down but met my eyes as he answered clearly.

"Yes. He attacked you and they used force to save you."

I sat a moment staring at my toes. They sat the bed up but insisted on keeping me braced so my neck wouldn't strain and injure further. My head couldn't move but my eyes did so much, exploring the room and trying to find comfort somewhere. Nowhere came forth except Rafa, his hands rubbing my arm as I snapped back to him so he could talk to me.

"I know it's hard news, I just can't lie about it right now."

**I understand. I don't mourn him in the lease, I just...**

I sat the board down and twirled the marker a little before adding the last bit.

**I almost wanted to hear he suffered for this. Why am I here struggling for life while he barely felt his death.**

I felt anger and then horror, horror I would say that at all. It stung on my mind, not even my lips since they couldn't move much without pain. He nodded looking solum like me, as if he understood what I was feeling. I wasn't a bad person, I just really felt like it for admitting it.

"He did pass quickly." He took my hand before finishing, "I seen it... Almost all of it. He had a live stream of you locked up."

My heart raced and he squeezed my hand to keep me grounded as he finished, "I seen him on you and... The knife. All of it."

 _ **All of it? What all did he do? What don't I rem**_ _ **ember?**_ My mind played back what it could and twisted and blurred at points as if someone cut out that part of the film. I could reach out, could feel it and the pain but not why... The taste, smells, physical touch and view was gone... But I knew it was there. I couldn't access it but I knew it was there.

**What happened? What did he do?**

Raf sat back, he looked as if he was pondering it. As if he wasn't sure what he should tell me and what he shouldn't.  _ **You didn't want to lie before or withhold but now you can?**_ I could feel my stomach turn and scrunch. I tap the board and look to him.

"Emma, I don't want to distress you like before." 

The pain in his eyes was real, it was intense and pure in emotion. He was trying to show just exactly how bad it was without saying it.  _ **You started to crash when he told you about John.**_ I wiped the board and wrote with a strong stroke, determined to know.

**Please tell me the truth. Rafa, please, I can't remember most of it.**

"Your mind is blocking it out, trauma." He looked away but quickly looked back when I took his hand, "It's a lot. The stress and trauma... I don't want your body to react to it."

**Is it not my choice?**

"Emma, please don't." He closed his eyes but opened them once he got a deep breath in, "This might be one better remembered instead of told."

I stopped arguing and settled on the fact he was probably right. The trauma was strong with my slow trigger warnings popping up, it helped to let me remember instead of being told everything. We sat together, trying to talk and just be present for the other. By the time his phone rang, he told me with a small sting that he had to go to work for an hour or so. I couldn't say no, I could however bring my family in and fix this mess that unfolded around me. 

It wasn't long after Rafa left that Cora came in and sat by me, "Mom and dad will be up in a few. You know, getting the kids occupied with something."

**Will you be my voice of reason? I can only write so fast and so much.**

She chuckled and nodded, "I've got you. I promise."

She kissed my forehead and fixed a few strands of hair breaking out. It wasn't long after they came in and took chairs by me. Of course, mom started with fawning over me and dad was a little less amused seeing me pick Rafa over them. I seen his look of mixed emotions, most synonyms of angry.

**Dad, go ahead.**

"Emmanuel, we knew you were gay but..." He stopped and took a deep breath, "Did this start with Uncle Bill?"

**Was me and Bill a thing? You aren't asking me that.**

"Dad, I doubt that highly."

"He is much older."

I blinked at my dad, watching even my mom being slightly confused.  ** _Oh don't believe him. Don't you dare think like that too._** I see Cora groan and hold her head, she was getting it too.

"Dad, he might be older but it doesn't mean uncle Bill was in a relationship of the diddling or romantic type with him? Why you even made it to that, I don't want to know but please shut up." Cora lifted her hand to stop him as he started again, "Emma wasn't abused by Bill."

"Only he knows the truth." Mom shrugged.

**He didn't touch or abuse me. We weren't dating.**

"This... Man, well... He is much older. It is odd son." Mom tried.

"Your son is into older men, big deal." Cora rolled her eyes.

"What's the term, cougar?"

"That's women mom." She looked down probably mouthing curse words.

**Rafael isn't a cougar or anything like that. I love him and he lives me.**

"Son, that's what you thin..."

Cora looked at my dad, "No, stop. Why are we even talking about this? You said you were going to be understanding and accepting parents after Kendall."

"And we are being."

"No, you aren't." She fired back.

**Can we PLEASE stop fighting!**

I pushed the board up and everyone stopped. A quick change of the board and suddenly they all looked down, every word read in silence.

**I want Rafael with me. I want him to be able to sit in this room with me and ve here through all of my recovery.**

They looked pensive about that so I added a little more.

**I would choose him over you two. If you continue to fight with him, I will choose him.**

This was the moment of reality they froze at, it was clear to them... I wasn't going to puck my family. Cora seen it, she was backing me for the long run.  ** _If you care, you wouldn't force me to choose. You would accept him and be civil._** The silence drew out, so I wiped the board and put just one thing for them.

**I am not Kendall. I am an actual adult out on my own and I want my family there for me, not controlling me.**

Cora took my hand and my parents glanced to each other before stepping out to talk. She frowned and looked over, wearing her heart on her sleeve.

"That is questionable... I can't tell which way they are leaning."

**They lost one kid forever, I doubt they would choose to lose a second.**

"More like all three, I won't handle the pressure of college and them making me the perfect girl." She sighed, "By the way, Rafael went to Harvard? You never told me."

**Scholarship**

She rolled her eyes, "It's not the age you're attracted to, it's the brains."

I blushed and she just smiled, my sister really is my best friend. She knows me as well as I know her, a perfect balance to the other. I knew she would support me wholeheartedly, as I do with her, and help me through this. It wasn't but minutes before they came back in and I waited for their word.

"Emmanuel, we love you. We want to help you." Mom leaned in and took a hand, "We want to help in any way possible, sadly however we can't stay in the city. You would need to come home..."

**The city is my home. I live here. My work is here. Rafael is here.**

"He seems to be a busy man and..."

**No. I am not leaving the city.**

"Ok, we would like to get go know him more before we leave you in his care. You know, make sure he is a good man..."

**Can you behave? Let him in here and not fight? I don't want you scaring him away.**

"Wouldn't want to lose a job and boyfriend." Cora mumbled as I blindly swung my arm to hit her.

"Job?"

"Your job is firing you over this."

**No, Rafael is my boss for the moment.**

They shared a concerned look, no words given but they promised to be decent. After a few more minutes, they left to go to the kids and Cora waited till Raf returned before leaving.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I spent some time with Emma before my phone dinged. Cora asked me to have dinner with her parents, to work through stuff away from Emma so he didn't get affected by it. She had the kids with her and I know Emma would enjoy seeing them, so I went to the cafeteria to see his parents. I would've went to a restaurant nearby but I couldn't take the distance, leaving the hospital felt like abandoning Emma even if it was just some food. The work was to much as it was, a few hours away to finalize my temporary leave to help Emma. 

"Por favor, Dios, deja que esto sea fácil. (Please God, just let this go easy.)" I mumbled under my breath as I step into the large room and saw them across the way.

My feet carried me slowly, as if with a purpose I definitely didn't want to see. I stopped just a table away and ran a hand down the clean shirt and hoodie I grabbed from my office closet, ones I forgot I even had.

"Mr. Barba." I seen his mom stand and offer a hand, "Thank you for coming to talk with us."

 "Of course, I believe you would like to talk about Emma."

They both bite their lips, looking down and clearly trying to hide the anger or whatever was coming through.  _ **What is wrong with me calling him Emma? He said it was his preferred nickname.**_ I blinked as they both slowly shook it off.

"Mr. Barba..."

"Can we use first names please?" I cut in, "This isn't work nor formal event, I am your son's boyfriend."

"Rafael, we know you love our son. We thank you for that." Lucy pushed, "But he needs care when he leaves here and you're an important person."

"I have approved leave from work, I won't go back till he is healthy and able to be on his own." I looked between them, "He is my priority, not my job right now."

 They stopped again, reworking what they were asking. I could tell in the way they looked away. I knew where it was going, I could tell.  _ **They want to take Emma home, they want him to leave the city. To leave me.**_ I closed my eyes and sat back, ready to fight but wanting it peaceful.

"I know you want to take care of him, he's your son. But I'm not going to tell him to go home if he doesn't want to. I want what is best for him in his mind, his choice." 

"He isn't in the best frame of mind..." Lucy was starting but stopped as I shook my head.

"It's his life, his choice." I pushed again.

"You don't know our son like we do. He was always quick with relationships and breaking things off after a few months because he's bored. His sister had drug issues and it hit him hard, pushing him to come here with a family friend. He didn't want college or anything like that, but he did want the experience."

"You must not know him well now, that isn't him."

"Do you?" Mark leaned in, "He hasn't changed all that much."

"After the accident? He did." I looked at their half-empty coffee cups, "He sees it. The way he fell apart and suddenly started changing things he didn't like. He didn't like the way he always fell back and listened blindly, he got a mind of his own and could voice it. He hated how he lost hearing and let his life crumble, so he taught himself how to get around it and make himself get back together."

"He told you this?"

"He showed me it. He isn't completely past it but if you look, he is trying. He is slowly succeeding." I closed my eyes, "I see this every time he talks with confidence. When he smiles and leans in instead of away... I see it, I see him. I trust him to make his choices... I trust him."

They stopped talking, just staying quiet as I stood and walked away. All the way back to Emma, I told myself I was in the right. A few steps in and Emma turned to me, glowing and smiling. 

**Rafa**

"I'm so happy to see you too." He kissed his forehead, "Sorry I left."

**It's fine. You're here now.**

"Yeah, I am." I nodded, "And I won't leave you again anytime soon."

"I guess the talking went well." Cora rolled her eyes but Emma didn't see her say it.

**Doctor said I was doing better. I start therapy tomorrow.**

"Good, I want you home soon." 

A second kiss became the focus of the room as they shared a fuller kiss, the first one without pain. It was a promising start to his recovery.


	15. When you say nothing at all

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I looked around the spotless home, my only objection the past week after hearing Emma would get to come home soon. Every piece if clothing put away or packed for him to wear coming home. Every dish cleaned and put away. Every floor is spotless of dirt or dust... Everything I could think of no matter how small was done. 

"He finally gets to come home." I had finished putting up the last of his stuff yesterday, "Finally."

After he woke up, I asked him to move in. Of course, that meant me packing and paying people to move it to my place to unpack. Mainly, it kept him from ever returning to his old place and seeing where those days of horror started. Why his apartment wasn't too bad compared to most crimes, it wouldn't help him. 

"Barba." I turned to see the squad putting away the rest of the cleaning supplies, "Anything else before we go."

"No... Thank you so much." I gave a soft laugh, "This is amazing. I can't begin to say how much you helped..."

"Then don't." Amanda cut me off as she held her newest little one, "Just tell Emma we'll see him soon."

 "I'm sure he'll be glad to see you four as well." I sighed as they left me alone in this empty home. 

The furniture pristine, every detail immaculately done to perfection... But it felt empty. It never had before, in my whole life this place use to be my pride and joy. I made something of myself and got out of the Bronx, out of the trouble and crime. I became something better for my mother and grandmother. I proved to be different from my father... This home use to be my proof. Proof I made it and grew into something my family can always be proud of.

_**So why does it feel so empty? Emma wasn't even living with me before... But he made it whole.** _

My thoughts ceased as I heard the knock at the door. I knew it was Mamí, she and Cora were helping me bring Emma home. After getting carried away cleaning, I must've lost track of time. 

"Coming!" I called and ran over to grab my Harvard hoodie, my only hoodie seeing as Emma confiscated a few to wear when he got cold at the hospital.

 I opened the door, kissing Mamí's cheek before shutting and locking the apartment. My mouth started moving instantly as I knew Mamí would if I didn't.

"Sorry Mamí, Solo quería que todo se hiciera para poder pasar el resto del día con Emma. Ya sabes, asegúrate de que se ajuste bien con todo. (I just wanted everything done so I could spend the rest of the day with Emma. You know, make sure he adjusts well with everything.)" She just shook her head and smiled at me, confusing me, "What?" 

"You really love him." She hit the elevator button, "Nunca te había visto tan feliz por nadie antes. Él está haciendo una diferencia visible para ti, mi dulce hijo, y se ve bien. (I never seen you this happy over anyone before. He is making a visible difference to you my sweet son, and it's looking good.)"

I blushed, "I do Mamí, I really do."

She drove us over, borrowing a van from a friend so it would be easier to get him in and out. Cora wanted to come over for a bit before she drove home, she had graduation at the end of the week and some parties to come. For now, her goal was to make sure her brother was starting off good before he made the trip up for Graduation.

"It's past one Mijo (son), maybe something happened?"

"No Mamí, Cora said they were on the way out." I sighed, "Just a little busy, probably caught a packed elevator."

She sighed and checked her phone again, making me nervous for a split second. I paused, looking to the door and my heart stopped. Four groups back trying to go through the packed lobby and out the door, there was Emma in a wheelchair with a nurse and Cora. I slowly gained a breath and my heart rhythm, seeing him made every pain and ache go away.

"Emma!" I called as he smiled at me.

The whiteboard in hand and a bunch of flowers in the other. He waved and smiled back when he seen me waiting for him. Cora took everything from his hands so he could hug me the minute he stood up.

"I missed you."

He rolled his eyes and signed quickly, leaving Cora to translate, "I miss you more, your hoodie doesn't even smell like you anymore."

"I'll fix that when we get home." I opened the door to the back, "Shall we?"

He climbed in carefully and I sat beside him, Cora and Mamí were in the front driving home. He leaned up against me, my arm around him lightly as he held the small gauze pad over his throat. The scaring wouldn't be horrible, minimum really, but he opted to use a gauze pad as coverage on it. I couldn't blame him, I would hide it too. Why draw attention to my past trauma, I know he wants to move forward.

* * *

**_Emmanuel_ **

* * *

When we arrived at the apartment, Raf held my hand the whole walk up. He stopped by the door and looked at me before opening the door. He said something about thinking the squad later and opened the door to our future. Seeing my things with his in our home, it looked like something from a magazine. 

He helped Cora with the bag, putting it aside and then helped Lucia with the medicine that he put in the kitchen. I was just walking around and seeing every inch of the new adventure I was starting. The big bedroom and closets he managed to arrange so I had space for my suits too. The open kitchen and picturesque brick wall living room.

A hand caught me by surprise but then Rafa laughed and lifted my chin, "Emma... Welcome home. Our home."

**OUR home**

He kissed me a second before Lucia had to leave and gave us both big hugs. Cora only stayed a little longer, making sure the basic stuff was done and taking a coffee for the drive home after making us promise to go to her graduation, like I would miss my little sister graduating. When we were finally alone, Rafa sat down with me and leaned in.

"I hope we aren't moving fast. Well, too fast." 

I blinked and shook my head softly. He held my cheek and moved it down softly toward the gauze. My mind immediately made me pull back, I reached up to pull his hand away and felt the twitch in my neck of the sudden painful movement. He withdrew his hand and looked down, a silent moment before he looked up.

"I'm sorry... I haven't seen you without that gauze since before you were kidnapped." He ran his hand through your hair, "I was just hoping you would take it off once in a while, some air on it would be good."

_**But then you see it. Then it becomes more real. You'll stare at it, not me. You'll be worried about it healing, less about me. It's a curse that's building curiosity but withheld at the moment... One look and everything stops.** _

"Emma, I'm sorry. I just wanted to see you."

**The scar isn't me.**

"It's part of you." He sat back calculating his thoughts into words, "I love you, Emma. I want you to be happy and healthy. I want to protect you. I want see you're ok."

**I am.**

"Saying and seeing are very different." He paused and I could see the quiver in his mouth, "I saw you, I saw him... The... That moment. I saw everything that happened and, well, in the hospital I only seen gauze. You were alive and everything looked ok but your throat never came back into view."

**If you see, it's all you'll see.**

He nodded and shrank back, I could see him still wanting it.  _ **The curiosity building...**_ I reached out and took his hand, not wanting the difference in space, needing him close. I needed him to stay close, to feel him keeping that intimacy I needed.

**If I show you, will you still see me? I am not my scars.**

"I see you Emma, I don't see scars as you. They are just on the outside, I love the inside of you too."

I reached for the gauze then stopped, waiting for a second and closing my eyes. His hand covered mine and we slowly pulled it away. I wouldn't, couldn't... Just one look at him and everything could change. All of this good undoing the bad could stop... A hand rubs my cheek, a kiss finds my lips and suddenly my eyes flutter. They crack open but all I saw was Rafa's eyes. Green perfection staring at me as our kiss breaks. I felt his fingers trace over it and saw him smile and keep my eye contact.

"Emma... I hardly see it. It's just a part of you." He leaned in and kissed the scar before kissing my lips again.

My head was fuzzy, heart thudding with the feel of his heart stuttering. My hand felt the rhythm as I place my hand over his heart. He pressed my head to his and left us to simmer in the moment.  _ **It doesn't feel different.**_

* * *

_Weeks later_

* * *

I sat on the desk in his home office, he had went back to work for the first time today. Weeks off to take care of me and make sure I was fine alone... It wasn't like he was more than a few minutes away.  

I glanced around, most of the day was spent cleaning so far and now I had nothing to do. Choosing to settle in, I laid down on the couch with a book. Rafa had a large collection, many genres and classics among ones I never heard of. I found one that stuck out and relaxed to read as I let my pain med kick in. It was enthralling, an adventure that carried me far away into an exciting new world... A perfect escape. So perfect I missed the floor shift and hand reaching for me, well, until I almost hit the ceiling in fear.

"Emma." Rafa caught my cheek and my eyes, "I'm sorry, I tried to get your attention but you wouldn't look up."

My body slumped and I realized that it was now dark out, no noon high sun to read by. 

"You ok? I didn't traumatize you, did I?"

I shook my head, reaching for my board as he sighed and handed it over.

**No, it's fine. Just a little surprised.**

"I was just thinking about dinner, it's been a while since we ate out. Maybe a nice dinner?" He pushed my hair back, "That sushi place you like, I can get us in."

**Or we order In.**

"Emma, you hardly leave the house. It's... Concerning." Rafa stroked my cheek, "But I guess another meal in will be fine."

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

* * *

The next day, I came home from work and saw Emma. He was in a nicer suit, hair gelled back and styled perfectly. He had a high neck collar on, a small band around his neck under it to keep the scar hidden well. 

"Emma?"

He wasn't paying attention, remembering how jumpy he is lately when you try to touch him for his attention... I opted for a paper ball. There was pads of paper everywhere, stocky notes and all. I grabbed the closest one and wadded up a piece I ripped off and threw right for the back of his head. It bounced and he turned to me with surprise before chuckling and picking up the wad. He mouthed 'Really' and smirked.

"Don't really me... I should be reallying you." I glanced over him again, "Look at you, what's the occasion?"

He picked up a pad by him and a pen, writing quickly before ripping it off and throwing it at me. I rolled my eyes but caught it somewhat, making a joke about how bad my little league days were as I opened the paper.

**I want to take you out to dinner.**

"Dinner? I thought you didn't want togo out."

He shrugged and walked over to me, taking the paper back and writing a moment.

**You were right. I need to get out and get my life back... I'm not that victim anymore.**

I kissed him softly before stepping back and looking towards the bedroom, "Ok, let me change too. I want to look good for my arm candy."

He rolled his eyes and went back to whatever he had been doing when I walked in. I changed into my tan suit and deep purple tie, going with the soft pink striped shirt before fixing my hair. I came out and we left for dinner. Emma stayed close all night, being careful to hide his neck the best he could and keep close to me as if something might happen and I was his only safe place. I ordered for him, trying to help him hide the fact he couldn't hear and refused to really talk.  _ **That might be our next step... I miss his voice.**_

* * *

_A few days_

* * *

A few days later, I was out early after a case went quick. The squad was cleared of cases, my office was fairly slow, no cases on my desk... I sent Carmen home to her new son and went home to Emma. He was reading on the couch, his new favorite hobby. He was through most my collection, giving me thought to buy him more or something for him to buy them himself if he was willing to go out and about... Maybe a gift card to amazon instead? He might like virtual books.

He turned to me and was glowing, tossing his book down with the page marked before rushing over for a hug and kiss. By this time, I was working hard on learning more sign language though at this point in my life I was actually struggling a little with it.  _ **I guess it's a lot harder teaching old dog new tricks.**_

_What are you doing home?_

"Case done, no extra work... I got lucky."

He chuckled and kissed me before signing again.

_You understand me? You are getting better._

"Better, not great. I still prefer the paper."

_Paper? But paper might burn during exs._

"Paper might burn during exs?" I repeated as he chuckled and took my hand, pulling me to the bedroom.

His hand was raised to my view and he wagged his finger.  ** _No? No what? Wait, no... I got it wrong._** I stopped at the doorway and turned him towards me.

"I was off right? Let me guess, burn should be hurt..." He nodded and ran a hand down my jacket to unbutton it and push it off, "And that is what you do when you want sex."

He nodded and kissed me passionately, pulling me in as he tossed the jacket away. My buttons were undone quickly, pants tugged as I pull my hoodie off of him. A quick smirk as I made him look at me with my hand tracing his scar.

"You're right, paper cuts could really hurt during sex."

He pulled me down on him and moved me to engulf him. I always had the control physically, but I doubt he really notices that I only do as he asks. He ran the show, I never did anything unless he wanted it. Reading his body, I could tell all of it whether he spoke or not.

"Emma, I love you."

He pulled me into a kiss so he could convey without words the same phrase. It was our way, our perfect mess.

* * *

_A month later_

* * *

In the past months, Emma had grown so much. He didn't hide his throat ever moment of the day. Didn't stay he all the time, he did stray out once in a while and even sat in court to watch me a few times. He was coming back, the real Emma. The man that I fell for, the one that moved me in ways unimaginable. Everything was coming back or coming to view in a new way, except his voice. Emma had yet to speak even after months out of therapy and knowing he could. It was my only worry about him, I was worried I would never hear him again.

"Emma, can we talk." I sat down, looking to him as I stalled getting ready for work.

He nodded and rolled on his side in bed to see me better. Turning to him more, I see the way he propped himself up. The sheet barely covering him, all the images from last night flashing through and filling me with dirty thoughts.  _ **Not now, now we need to focus on this talk. You put it off long enough.**_

_Rafa?_

"Sorry, I was just thinking."

He chuckled softly and sat up, stretching softly.

_Thinking of what?_

"Not important. I do need to talk with you about something important."

_Go ahead then._

"I love you, with all my heart Emma..."

_As I you._

"You have made great strides in recovery, completely changing things around to adjust after everything happened. We've moved in together and made huge milestones in our relationship."

_Where are we going here? I'm a little worried now._

"Speaking. You have yet to start speaking, even just a little at home." I looked at the way his body dropped, "You went through therapy and they say you did beautifully. It might not be perfect but your voice is still there. Yes, I have learned sign language fairly well for you and yes we have enough paper for like sixty trees in our home so you can always write... But I miss that voice. The one that hummed and sang tone-deafly classic music you grew up with. The one that felt the base from a speaker and fell in line... I miss your voice that soothed my everything."

Emma curled in more and bit his lip, the way he sat strangely showed off the scar more by accident and made me suddenly realize that this was a bad idea. He wasn't hiding or trying to lessen the look of the scar because the words I spoke cut a lot deeper. 

"Emma..." I stopped realizing he wasn't going to look at me for me to say more. 

He shook his head and scooted away from me, as much distance as could be made in our bed. It felt like miles compared to the reality.  _ **What did you do?**_ My own mind turned on me as I stood and just walked away, not wanting to force more pain. Not able to take back what I had said no matter how small it seemed.

I had just finished getting dresses when I seen the paper on top my briefcase. I pocketed and left for work, only reading it once I was at work so I had time to break down in my office. Carmen could block anyone from entering and I could let this pain fester as I read his words to me.

Rafa, how dare you try to guilt me like that! Building me up just to go there? It's not if you miss it! It's not about you! It's about me and when I'm ready. My throat was slashed, I had to struggle through therapy to even be able to swallow food while you sat and watched. It's my battle, my fight and I won't have you guilting me into speaking before I am ready! It's my choice on when if ever I do speak again.

I sat down the note and lifted my phone, the only word written was sorry before I sat it down. It was sent off to Emma and I was left to stew in my horrific state all day, a wondering on if I can fix what Emma perceived I had meant.

* * *

_**Emmanuel** _

* * *

After Rafael left, I threw the pillows from the bed. The sheets flew up and floated down to the floor. I was furious at the thought that he was making me feel bad about not speaking. As if he knew the pain that came from making noise let alone eating. I snapped as I grabbed a pen and paper, leaving a piece of my mind in the form of a note. I folded it up and left it on his briefcase as he got dressed, ducking away into his home office. I hid out there till I knew he would be gone, moving out into the main area and feeling my heart tug. 

_**No! Don't you dare feel bad for that note. Don't you dare fall into this trap of guilt. Stop it, you are right here.** _

I stopped at the counter, looking at his dirty mug. It was one I bought him after getting out of the hospital, A 'Best Boyfriend' mug in his favorite color. The guilt pang again but this time I let it sit. My hands lifted the mug and quickly cleaned it and sat it to dry. 

_**Ok, maybe I was harsh. Maybe I should have been a little more understanding... He only wants to help me. He wants to make sure I am ok. He wants to see me back to normal... It isn't so bad. All he did was suggest I speak.** _

I smiled at the cup, then glanced around at the clean home. This then drove a small amount of guilt from my anger earlier. I had to go back and clean up the bedroom, remaking the bed after my tantrum earlier. This drove me to clean even more and make sure to have everything clean for him. The plan was to order in his favorite sushi place, have that scotch he loves and do a small candlelit dinner in our home. With everything in place, I just nervously waited through the day for the plan to kick in.

It was hours later, close to his ending time, I had everything delivered. The sushi was sat out to share, a glass of scotch sat by my water. I thought better than to drink alcohol about the time of medicine. Candles lit the table and around the living room, the mood set as I stood waiting at the edge of the couch. My eyes glued to the door as I waited for him. Hair loose and messy, a comfy outfit in which I skipped everything but the main pieces. When the door finally opened, I smiled at him the best I could. Letting him see how guilty I was feeling.

"Emma?"

"I..." My throat burned and scratched trying to bring forth the sound I couldn't hear, "I sorry."

"Emma..." He crossed to me and shook his head, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have tried..."

"I love you, Rafa. I love you sooooo much." I wrapped my arms around him loosely, " Let me apol..."

The burn intensified, covering my throat until he numbed it. A single kiss brought me to a peaceful space, his touch keeping me engulfed in the moment away from pain. He pulled back just enough to look around, so I pulled him around to sit on the couch by the sushi on the table.

"Rafa, I want t-t-to..."

"Don't worry about it." He silenced me with a kiss to my head, "I love you, Emma, I love you more than words can convey."

He wiped my cheek as a tear fell down, lifting up a piece of sushi to feed to me. For once, I wasn't afraid to speak. I wasn't afraid to force my body to adjust more and find my new normal. He chuckled as I finished the bite,  covering my mouth as he put a hand on my knee.

"This is an amazing apology... Creo que mi única forma de disculparme es llevándote a la cama. (I guess my only way to apologize will be taking you to bed.)"

I blushed as he raised a brow, "I may have planned that too."

He laughed with vibrant cheeks, the crinkles around his face deepening and causing me to laugh with him, "And by planned you mean..."

"I may not be wearing underwear." I whispered.

"Entonces será una gran disculpa. (Then it will be one hell of an apology.)" He took a bite and I felt that chill of anticipation.

_**Life couldn't be better.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


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